Jim Jefferies: I Swear to God

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Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Jim Jefferies.

Hey.

How are you doing?

What a nice little start.

My name's Jim,

I'm from Australia,

but I've been living in the UK

for like, the past 7 or 8 years

and now I've moved out to

America, it's a big move for me,

but because

I've moved out to America,

I've had to leave a girl I've

been dating

It's probably for the best

we're heading

in separate directions in our

lives, to come over here

and she wanted to stay back in

England and f*ck other men.

Worked out pretty good.

For her.

And me brother.

Oh, yeah.

I bet he really get back to...

in, like, a couple of weeks

for the first time in ages.

And every time I got back there

I always go see my family doctor

'cause this is the doctor

I've had my whole life,

I really trust this guy,

and my doctor in London is shit,

he's no good.

Last time I was there

I got a physical checkup,

and he's doing my blood

pressure, to go to Australia

and he's like, "Jim, your blood

pressure's really high, mate,

you're gonna have to go on

medication, you know. "

"I wanna go on medication"

And he went,

"Well, you fucking have to"

'Cause that's how

doctors in Australia talk,

and then he goes,

"Okay, you two,

go back to London,

get your blood pressure

checked again

but if you get the same readout

or higher you're on medication",

so I go back

to me doctor in London,

get my blood pressure

checked again,

get exactly the same readout

I got in Australia,

and my doctor goes,

"Oh, are you good!"

And I go, "The doctor in the

strayer said that was too high"

And he went "Australians,

with their salads and sport,

"Their standards are too high. "

"By British standards

you're good, so...

I'm in an unhealthy Australian,

but I'm a healthy

British person.

I think if my health

gets worse,

I'm gonna move

to shittier countries

until eventually I'm the

healthiest man in Rwanda.

And there's gotta be

some doctor going

"You've only got HIV,

it's not even AIDS yet. "

Stop your bitchin'

and join the soccer team.

I'm not afraid of dying if I do

get AIDS or something like that,

I don't give a f*ck.

I hate life.

I've never enjoyed

one moment on this planet.

I don't wanna live forever,

the only people who wanna-

I'm not worried about dying,

because I'm an atheist, right?

Now, acknowledging this is a

Christian country,

and I stand up for your right

to be religious,

but please know

that you're wrong, eh?

Please know-

that you're living

in a fantasy land,

and after you die

nothing happens,

stop being a fucking child.

I'm not scared of dying

because I'm an atheist,

I know I'll just

rot in the ground, right?

I won't even know I'm dead,

you all know why?

'Cause I'll be fucking dead.

Religious people worry

because I believe in heaven,

if there's a heaven

there has to be a hell,

and everyone

who's read that book

knows that you've done

enough shit to go to hell.

And that makes it very stressful

on your deathbed, doesn't it,

knowing what a prick you are,

you go,

"Aw, this isn't gonna be good".

Right?

I don't wanna go to heaven,

I don't even want

the option of Heaven,

I don't want to exist

in a conscious state

for the rest of eternity

constantly thinking,

I don't even like thinking

as it is,

"Where's me passport?

Can't punch women in the face".

The Bible calls heaven

"eternal bliss",

I don't get how blissful it is,

it's eternal,

you'll get used to it,

and then you'll be

fucking bored.

And what's hell

meant to be like,

fire and brimstone

and eternal agony.

That's what's written

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