Jim Jefferies: BARE Page #5

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five minutes every hour,

and the rest of the time,

I'm thinking about how

he's f***ing killing me.

He's a good little boy.

No, he's a great little

fella. I really like him.

Um...

My girlfriend super loves him,

though. It's f***ing creepy.

And...

I'm glad I have a son.

That worked out good for me.

I wouldn't be a good father to a

girl. It wouldn't be good for me.

Nothing weird. Wouldn't f*** it. I...

I just don't get along with

women. You know how it is.

I don't want them in my house, and...

So...

Because you dream, see...

For example, okay? When Hank was born...

the couple over the road, within

two weeks of Hank being born,

had a baby girl,

and rightly or wrongly, the first

thing that went through my head was...

"Aw, that's great.

I hope Hank fucks that one day."

That's what I think... 'Cause

that's what I think about my son.

I hope when he's of age,

he just fucks everything.

I don't care if my son is gay or straight.

All I care about is, when he is of age,

that he gets every bit of f***ing

p*ssy or cock that he desires.

That is my dream for my son!

But never in the history

of fathers and daughters,

has a father held his baby girl and gone,

"Oh, I hope you have a lot of

c*cks through you in your life.

I hope you're never shy of a cock.

I hope you pass out at parties

and all the boys are queuing up."

Right, you know...

And it's not just me.

Women treat baby girls and

baby boys differently as well.

My girlfriend goes to

the gym every morning.

I go there very occasionally,

and when you go to the gym,

there's a little daycare

crche thing in the gym

where you can hand your child off,

and inside that daycare, there's,

like, three women in their 50s.

They're very nice ladies, and you

hand your kid off and he plays.

Then when you finish your

workout, you come and get him.

And there's a woman that works

there who just loves my son.

She sees all the other

kids, but she loves Hank,

and Hank f***ing loves her,

and the two of them light

up when they see each other.

And it's super cute,

I bring Hank up the stairs,

and he starts going, "Uh, uh!"

Trying to reach at her, all right?

And she does this, she goes,

"Everyone, my boyfriend's here.

Here's my boyfriend. Give

him here. He's my boyfriend."

And then she kisses him, and she goes,

My boyfriend gives me kisses

My boyfriend gives me kisses

It's f***ing adorable.

But I tried doing that with a baby girl...

Let's say you go to the

gym and there's a daycare,

and me and a couple of my

mates are working there.

"Hey, everyone...

me girlfriend's here.

Give her here. Give her

here. She's my girlfriend.

My girlfriend gives me

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