Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Page #4

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I'm like, "De de de de de de de

de de de de de de de de de."

My wife's like,

"What'd the doctor say?"

"Don't pick the scab.

I don't listen to nerds!"

That was the only time

I would ever see a doctor.

Is when I bring my kids in.

Sometimes I'd try and horn in

on a pediatric appointment.

The doctor'd be like,

"How's little Mikey doing?"

"Mikey's good.

He's good.

He's a little worried about this

mole I have on my arm.

Yeah, I explained to Mikey

that I've always had the mole,

but Mikey thinks it might've

changed colors."

"Jim, would you like

to make an appointment?"

"No, it's Mikey.

He just needs a thumbs up

or a thumbs down on the mole.

I know Mikey doesn't want to

play the Hippocratic Oath card,

but you have to tell us,

don't you?"

I'm mostly healthy.

I, uh, worked out today.

I know I don't need to.

When I'm home in New York City,

I workout at the Chinatown YMCA.

And I realize when people hear

"the Chinatown YMCA"

they think, "Oh, that's not like

a serious place to workout."

And it's not.

It's not at all.

It's mostly little kids

learning how to swim

and really old, Chinese people

with their parents.

I didn't even know

you could live to that age.

But I tell you, watching

a 90 year old on an elliptical,

really inspires me

to die in my 70s.

It looks like a machine

is eating someone's grandma.

But I love my Y, you know?

It's--It's different

from a normal health club.

There's never moments

when you think,

"Oh, my gosh, look at how much

weight that guy's lifting."

It's more like, "Oh, my gosh,

that guy's smoking...

on a treadmill

in dress pants."

It's very business-casual.

Sure my Y doesn't have

some of the amenities,

but it also doesn't have the

normal health club distractions.

I don't have to deal

with loud music

or people that are in shape.

I walk around my Y

and I'm like, "You know what?

I'm doing okay.

Maybe I should teach a class.

Hi, welcome

to advanced elliptical.

Doesn't matter if you don't

have workout clothes on,

we're not gonna be raising

our heart rate.

So let's step on,

pick a show,

and think about

what we're gonna eat.

Okay,

who's having a burger, huh?

Let's practice eating fries."

I'm ignored at my Y.

I'm ignored at all health clubs.

Like, when I walk

into a fitness area,

even in a hotel,

people always look at me like,

"I didn't know

they serve food here."

The only people that approach me

are personal trainers.

They're like, "You looking for

a personal trainer?"

"Uh, no."

"You should be."

So I've gotten to the point,

if I'm approached by

a personal trainer, I just

act like they're hitting on me.

They're like,

"Hey, how you doing?"

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