Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Page #5
- Year:
- 2018
- 202 Views
"I'm married."
"Uh, I don't think you unders--"
"I understand perfectly!
You wanna get with me...
but I'm taken, so you can look,
but no touchie."
I got to do some
international shows this year.
I performed in Japan
for the first time
-which was amazing.
-[cheers and applause]
I mean, I wasn't in Japan
just for stand-up,
I was also modeling.
I wish that wasn't that funny.
But Japan--
The Japanese are just--
they're--they're better
at being human.
Can we admit that?
They're--
You know, they're more polite,
they're better at design.
The Japanese toilet.
Are you familiar
with the Japanese toilet?
The Japanese took the most
disgusting experience
of human existence
and fixed it.
The Japanese toilet
washes you, dries you,
does your taxes...
and that is in
You leave a Japanese
public restroom
cleaner than
when you walked in.
You leave an American
public restroom with PTSD.
Your only thought is, "How can I
forget that experience?
The entire time I was in Japan
I felt overweight.
Probably
'cause I am overweight,
but generally the Japanese
are thin.
I mean, there are people
that are overweight in Japan,
but not like in America.
We're better at not being thin.
'Cause if you get
really fat in Japan,
they make you Sumo wrestle.
They make their fat people
fight each other...
To entertain the thin people!
And the fat people in Japan
go along with it!
"Why am I doing this?"
"It's prestigious.
Now you try and push that other
fat ass out of the circle
while we try not to giggle...
[giggles]
But first,
throw on this giant diaper
and put your hair in a bun.
It's very dignified."
The Japanese are quiet
and polite.
They're like the opposite
of my children.
I had my kids with me and they
were always making loud noises.
Occasionally, I would catch
and then they would look at me
and I'd always say
the same thing,
"We're Canadian."
Of course,
we're not Canadian, but...
that is what
some Americans do
when they travel
internationally.
They tell people
they're Canadian.
Which I think is cowardly.
That's why I always
Then I get the respect
I deserve!
How much attention
does the country
of North Korea
need at this point?
Every two days
North Korea's like,
"We're gonna blow up
the world!"
Isn't there a party that's like,
"Then just do it.
Get it over with,
you spaz."
"Jim, don't even joke around
about that.
What if someone from
North Korea was in the audience?
They have a missile program."
It's kinda fun tracking
the North Korean
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"Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 15 Jun 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jim_gaffigan:_noble_ape_11290>.
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