Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Page #5

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"I'm married."

"Uh, I don't think you unders--"

"I understand perfectly!

You wanna get with me...

but I'm taken, so you can look,

but no touchie."

I got to do some

international shows this year.

I performed in Japan

for the first time

-which was amazing.

-[cheers and applause]

I mean, I wasn't in Japan

just for stand-up,

I was also modeling.

I wish that wasn't that funny.

But Japan--

The Japanese are just--

they're--they're better

at being human.

Can we admit that?

They're--

You know, they're more polite,

they're better at design.

The Japanese toilet.

Are you familiar

with the Japanese toilet?

The Japanese took the most

disgusting experience

of human existence

and fixed it.

The Japanese toilet

washes you, dries you,

does your taxes...

and that is in

a Tokyo airport bathroom.

You leave a Japanese

public restroom

cleaner than

when you walked in.

You leave an American

public restroom with PTSD.

Your only thought is, "How can I

forget that experience?

Is there alcohol nearby?"

The entire time I was in Japan

I felt overweight.

Probably

'cause I am overweight,

but generally the Japanese

are thin.

I mean, there are people

that are overweight in Japan,

but not like in America.

We're better at not being thin.

'Cause if you get

really fat in Japan,

they make you Sumo wrestle.

They make their fat people

fight each other...

To entertain the thin people!

And the fat people in Japan

go along with it!

"Why am I doing this?"

"It's prestigious.

Now you try and push that other

fat ass out of the circle

while we try not to giggle...

[giggles]

But first,

throw on this giant diaper

and put your hair in a bun.

It's very dignified."

The Japanese are quiet

and polite.

They're like the opposite

of my children.

I had my kids with me and they

were always making loud noises.

Occasionally, I would catch

a Japanese person looking at

my poorly behaved kids

and then they would look at me

and I'd always say

the same thing,

"We're Canadian."

Of course,

we're not Canadian, but...

that is what

some Americans do

when they travel

internationally.

They tell people

they're Canadian.

Which I think is cowardly.

That's why I always

tell people I'm North Korean.

Then I get the respect

I deserve!

How much attention

does the country

of North Korea

need at this point?

Every two days

North Korea's like,

"We're gonna blow up

the world!"

Isn't there a party that's like,

"Then just do it.

Get it over with,

you spaz."

"Jim, don't even joke around

about that.

What if someone from

North Korea was in the audience?

They have a missile program."

It's kinda fun tracking

the North Korean

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