Jim Gaffigan: Noble Ape Page #3

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and we're like,

"Yeah, but are they any good?"

"Yeah,

they're a brain surgeon!"

You know what they do

with the bad brain surgeons?

They don't let them

become brain surgeons.

Can you imagine the pressure

on a brain surgeon?

At no point during their workday

can they say,

"Hey,

it ain't brain surgery."

'Cause it's always

brain surgery!

Every day!

"What'd you do at work, honey?"

"Brain surgery!"

"That's fun.

You want some fruit?"

"Never!"

My wife had a--she had

an amazing team of doctors.

She had the brain surgeons.

She also had

an ear, nose, and throat doctor.

Ear, nose, and throat.

That kinda sound like

they didn't make the cut

for brain surgeon.

"I wanna be a brain surgeon."

"You know what?

Let's stick with

the ears, nose, and throat.

You'd be better with the things

surrounding the brain."

"Can I have the eyes?"

"You know what?

Let's stick with the ears,

nose, and throat.

We promised the eyes

to the nerd at LensCrafters."

"Why pick an Optometrist?"

Those ear, nose,

and throat doctors,

they must look at dentists

and think,

"Just teeth?

That's it?

What about the tongue?"

"Not the tongue,

just the teeth."

"You just work on teeth?

Surgery on teeth?"

"Oh, I don't do the surgery.

That's the orthodontist.

I mostly scrape stuff

off of teeth...

while I listen to '80s music.

I love Debbie Gibson."

When you think about it,

dentist,

they don't do the surgery,

they don't even clean the teeth.

They're like, "You guys do

everything and then I'll come in

and jab 'em with

a sharp object...

while I listen to Debbie."

I did figure out what type

of doctor I would want to be,

which is an anesthesiologist.

'Cause just once I'd like to

walk in a room and go,

"Hi, I'm Dr. Gaffigan.

I'm gonna give you some drugs

so you can't talk or move...

and one of these strangers

is gonna cut you open.

Good luck."

What draws

someone to anesthesiology?

It's like, "I like medicine,

but I really enjoy

getting people high.

If I could combine the two.

I also prefer

to sit during surgery."

You ever see the

anesthesiologist during surgery?

They're always sitting

there like...

"I don't even know why

I have to be here.

Yeah, they're still alive.

Anyone got the WiFi password?"

But I have a newfound respect

for doctors.

I do.

'Cause when you think about it,

unless we're sick,

we listen to

absolutely nothing

doctors tell us.

They're like,

"You should lose weight."

"Never gonna happen.

What else you got?"

"You should exercise."

"Does eating

French fries count?"

"Get out of my office."

I don't even listen when

I bring my kids to the doctor.

The doctor's like,

"To avoid an infection..."

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