Jerry Before Seinfeld Page #5

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[laughter]

There's a guy in there

that looks just like me.

[laughter]

And my parakeet would fall for this.

I would let him out of his cage.

I always felt bad that he was in a cage,

so I would let him out,

and he would fly around,

and he would go "bang,"

right into the mirror

with his little head,

and the feathers would fly,

and he would hit the ground,

then fly off in another direction,

a little askew.

[laughter]

But even if he thinks

the mirror is another room,

why doesn't he at least try and avoid

hitting the other parakeet?

[laughter]

Look up!

What happened to bird's-eye view?

There's a... There's another parakeet

coming right at you!

[laughter]

But I couldn't take childhood

at a certain point. You get tired of it.

You actually get... I just couldn't build

one more balsa-wood glider.

[laughter]

You know what I wanted to do?

I wanted to do certain little adult

behaviors that I would see adults do.

Like uh... I liked the way adults

checked their pockets when I was a kid.

This is actually something I thought

as kid. I liked the way adults did this.

"Do you have those...?"

"I can't find those keys.

Bill, do you have my keys?

I can't find the keys."

When you're a kid, if someone asks

if you have something, you say, "No."

[laughter]

Anything you own is in your hand.

"Are you sure?"

You spread the fingers wider.

"No, I don't. I don't have it."

[laughter]

I wanted to ruin my appetite.

I got tired of hearing,

"You're going to ruin your appetite."

"Ruin your appetite."

As adults, we understand

even if you ruin an appetite,

there's another appetite

coming right behind it.

There's no danger

of running out of appetites.

I could ruin 100,

I still got thousands more.

[laughter]

Why am I being so careful with each one?

I've got millions of appetites!

[laughter]

I wanted to mess with the thermostat -

that was another thing

they wouldn't let me go near.

I don't know what the story...

When I was a kid, "What is with

that thing? Why can't I go near it?"

[laughter]

I even remember when my parents sat me

down to tell me the birds, the bees,

intercourse, procreation.

I'm like, "Yeah, when does

the thermostat come in here?"

"That's the secret

I'm waiting to find out."

[laughter]

I didn't touch a thermostat

until I was 28 years old.

[laughter]

I was in a hotel room in Pittsburgh

when I finally got the guts

to make it a little warmer.

[laughter]

I didn't sleep the whole night.

I was terrified my father

was going to burst in the door.

"Who touched the thermostat in here?"

[laughter]

"You know, I set it there for a reason."

[laughter]

Yes. Yes, sir.

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