Jerry Before Seinfeld Page #4

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"Yes, I understand what they're saying."

[laughter]

[exhales]

And when you're a little kid

in these places, you can't really take it.

You know, the boredom is so intense,

it's so powerful.

[laughter]

When you're five and you get bored,

you cannot support your body weight.

You literally just... I would just...

I would just get down. I had to get down.

[laughter]

I remember going to the bank

with my parents,

and you don't even know what a bank is.

You just say, "Oh, I can't handle this.

I don't even know what this is."

And I would lie down, flat.

Flat. Just...

"Sorry, Mom. There's nothing I can do.

This place is so dull, I cannot get up."

[laughter]

This is what I think adulthood is.

Adulthood is the ability

to be totally bored

and remain standing.

[laughter]

You're in a long line somewhere,

no problem.

I wasn't going to Disneyland, OK?

That's not... That's not going to happen.

It wasn't one of those things

that you could do.

My parents were not taking me...

thousands of miles to another state

so I could sit in a teacup.

[laughter]

Both of my parents were orphans,

so the fact that I had a room with a bed,

they were like,

"That's your ride. You can go on that."

[laughter]

"You're fine."

And I was fine.

Sometimes, outside of these stores,

they would have, like, two red,

metal horses on the sidewalk,

and that was pretty good.

If you could get ten cents and...

It wasn't a ride.

You know, it was kind of a piece,

just a fragment chipped off of a ride

that landed there somehow.

And it didn't do anything

that would make you go, "Whee!"

It would just kind of grind

forward and back.

[imitates mechanical grinding]

[laughter]

It was like a grain-elevator motor

with just two horses welded on top.

[imitates mechanical grinding]

"Are we milling buckwheat

or am I at an amusement park here?"

[imitates mechanical grinding]

[laughter]

But compared to lying on the floor of

the bank, this was Space Mountain to me.

You know, I thought it was great.

I would get off. "Mom, that was fantastic!

I feel 1,000% better.

I'm refreshed, I'm calm.

I'm ready for the wallpaper store.

Want to go back there?"

[laughter]

"I'm into it. Throw pillows,

window treatments. Let's do it."

[laughter]

My mother, she was always talking to me

about uh... what she was going to do

with the living room.

This was her obsession.

She was going to fix the living room,

change the living room.

My mother would say, "You know,

if you make one wall of a room a mirror,

people think you have

an entire other room."

[laughter]

They believe this.

What kind of an idiot

walks up to a mirror...

[laughter]

and goes, "Look,

there's a whole other room in there"?

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