Jeff Dunham: Arguing With Myself Page #3

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Walter:
So i ran his *** over. I made an honest man out of him. And his mother got out the other side, started swinging her crutches at me. Took her out with the door.

Jeff Dunham:
Don't you feel kinda bad?

- Oh hell, ain't carpool

Jeff Dunham:
Do you think the police didn't see ya?

Walter:
I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
Cops on bicycles.

Jeff Dunham:
What's wrong with that?

Walter:
How intimidating is this: "Sorry buddy, pull it over" What do they do when they arrest somebody? "Alright, in the basket"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Yes ladies... i wrote that joke.

Walter:
Yeah, you can tell the rookie cops. They got playing cards in their spokes. "Halt!"

Jeff Dunham:
So your wife's in town?

Walter:
Oh, yeah!

Jeff Dunham:
She's having a good time?

Walter:
She always has a good time.

Jeff Dunham:
Good.

Walter:
Pisses me off.

Jeff Dunham:
She's a lovely lady!

Walter:
She's gettin old

Jeff Dunham:
Well, women age like fine wine

Walter:
She's aging like milk

Jeff Dunham:
Did you guys get into another argument this morning?

Walter:
Yeah

Jeff Dunham:
What happened?

Walter:
I don't know. She rolled out of bed, jumped on her minstrel cycle And ran my *** over.

Jeff Dunham:
Never heard it put quite that way before

Walter:
Oh it even has a sound. It goes:

Jeff Dunham:
How long have you been married?

Walter:
Uh, what is it now? 46 years

Jeff Dunham:
What was the happiest moment of your life?

Walter:
47 years ago. How long have you been married?

Jeff Dunham:
15 years

Walter:
You'll see

Jeff Dunham:
I'll see what?

Walter:
Remember when you said: "Till death do us part"?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah

Walter:
Later, you'll realize

you're actually setting a goal.

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?

Walter:
It's like drinking a slurpee.

Jeff Dunham:
Slurpee?

Walter:
First couple of sips are like: "boy, it's is really good. I'm glad i did this" Then you keep drinking it, goes right to your head and you go.. "What the hell was i thinking?!" "Someone kill me please!"

Jeff Dunham:
But eventually it stops hurting

Walter:
Yeah, but then you're stupid enough to take another friggin sip. Ain't the same anymore is it?

Jeff Dunham:
What?

Walter:
Being married all these years. You can't look at other women now. You can't talk to them, you can't do nothing.

Jeff Dunham:
What are you talking about?

Walter:
I'll show you what i'm talking about... See this lovely young lady sitting right here in the front row. This gorgeous young thing? Do you see her?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah...

Walter:
Oh well... Only thing you can do now is run to the end of your chain and bark. Getting married is kind of

like buying a new car.

Jeff Dunham:
A new car?

Walter:
You know when you see that car in the

showroom floor just before you take it home...

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah..

Walter:
That is as good as it's ever gonna look. Pretty soon, it will have dents and scratches. Parts start to go bad. Then the new models comes out and then you're like:... "Honey, can i just sit in it?" No, remember?

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