Ideal Home Page #5

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Why don't you turn off the TV?

Let's get you to bed.

Thanks, buddy.

Maana, piranha.

Are you mad at me?

Paul?

[sighs]

Getting a nightcap?

Some tea.

Did you see the photo

for the dust jacket?

Yes, I did.

What do you think?

This is why you need me.

You really, really should have

let me look over these

before you chose the cover,

because you look like

a person with a mental handicap.

No creature smiles this hard

in all of nature.

I do.

When you make me laugh.

Oh.

[makes retching sound]

That was cruel.

[tea kettle whistling]

The kettle's boiling.

So to speak.

[whistling stops]

F*** the tea.

[flatly]

Yay.

[door buzzer buzzes

in distance]

[door buzzer buzzes]

Well, hello.

I assume the kid

got to you okay.

Yes. Yes, he's here

with me now.

You brought him here?

Yes, of course.

He wants to see you.

What, are you insane?

He can't see me like this.

Don't be ridiculous.

Want a Rolo?

That's littering.

So?

So, we don't do that.

Pick it up.

Pick it up.

Don't bring him back here. It's

gonna screw him up in the head.

Like every decision

you haven't made already

hasn't screwed him up.

Hey, I don't need any sh*t

from you.

You're going to take it,

young man,

because Paul and I

are looking after your child.

- Who is Paul?

- Paul is my male companion,

and he has been

for the last 10 years.

You have the problem

with that?

No.

Oh.

Well, anyway,

we brought him here

so that

you could see each other

and to reassure you

that he's being

well taken care of

in your absence.

You're welcome.

What would I thank you for?

Where were you

when I was 10 years old?

I could've used you then.

And now you come back here

with your scarf

around your neck and think

you're saving the day?

It's called kerchief.

You're not the hero of me

and my son's story, all right?

You're a last resort.

Wait. What's his name?

[door buzzer buzzes]

[faintly]

I wrote it in the Bible.

Wait. What?

So, it turns out

the county

won't allow visits

from children today.

But the lady out front

said that it was...

Without

additional paperwork.

Oh.

- [sighs]

- I have a great idea.

Why don't we go

to a video arcade

- and then get some ice cream?

- [Erasmus] Yeah.

Or we could go to

the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum,

and afterwards

have a nice salad.

- [boy] Yes! Yes!

- [Paul] Yes! F*** you!

- You saw that, didn't you?!

- Nice shot! Nice shot!

- Yes!

- [gunfire]

[]

Excuse me... sweetheart.

We don't fold throws.

It's too fussy.

We want it be more casual,

so we drape it

like a woman reclining, thus.

Yes, you mustn't make it

seem as if you put

- too much thought into it.

- Exactly so.

It shouldn't look like

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