
Ideal Home
1
[knocking on door]
[police siren blaring
in distance]
[pounding on door]
[police radio chatter]
[man] Albuquerque police.
Open the door, please.
Dad, wake up, wake up.
Wake up!
- [sighs]
- [pounding on door]
[man]
Albuquerque police, open up.
[quietly]
F*ck.
All right, we gotta go.
All right.
[grunts]
Get your shoes on.
- [man] Open up.
- [pounding on door]
Piece of shit knocks me around,
That was real fucking Chanel!
I have some Chanel loafers
that I love,
so I totally get it.
Open up, please, right now.
- Why am I doing this?
- Stop asking questions.
- [siren wailing in distance]
- That's good. That's good.
[both grunt]
[grunts]
- Oh, goddamn it.
- What's happening?
Oh. Goddamn it.
Inside the cover of that Bible,
there's an address in Santa Fe.
- Get in a cab and go there.
- No!
Listen, it's better than
Child Protective Services.
You gotta trust me on that one.
All right, hey, look at me.
I know I'm not the best dad
in the world,
all right, but I love you.
[both grunt]
Goddamn it.
Hey!
What the hell was that for?
You fucked everything up!
[]
Get down on the ground!
Down on the ground!
I'm not resisting!
I'm not resisting!
[]
[gunshot]
Oh, hello!
And good morning.
Have you never been invited
to a ranchero breakfast?
Well, my friends, on this
glorious day, you are in luck.
- Because we...
- [man] Are you okay?
You're leaning.
It's a Western saddle.
I can't sit forward
like the English.
Cowboys sit back on their
haunches up against the cantle.
Oh! Ugh!
Oh, God.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. I think so.
You know, we don't have to do
the scene on horseback.
I want to.
It's... it's important.
It adds to the masculinity.
It adds to the grandeur.
Well, that's true.
- Are you being facetious?
- Mm-hmm.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You are a gentleman.
You really are.
God knows they're in short
supply around here.
Oh, my God.
Would you quit flirting
with him?
It makes him feel awkward,
and he's straight.
No, it makes you feel awkward,
and he's gay.
Well, it makes everyone
feel awkward
watching you act
like a weird old woman.
No, you're a weird
old woman.
You want
to know something?
I could've worked for
Rachel Ray, and she's nice.
[vocalizes in mocking tone]
How about we just take it
from the first line?
I'd be delighted.
[male AD] All right,
everyone back to one.
[]
Step aside, son.
[engine starts]
[siren whoops]
[siren wails, fades]
This is a Basque oven paddle
that I have repurposed
as a tapas tray.
I like to serve
on the back of a horse.
Mind you, a vaquero breakfast
needn't be on a vast rancho.
When we return,
I'll show you how you can cook
some of this gorgeous food
in your own little kitchen.
Ciao.
Dig in, amigos.
Manny, you old cock hound.
I didn't see you there.
You can't say "cock hound"
on basic cable.
Cut.
Get rid of
the terra-cotta pots. Yuck.
Ditto the galvanized tin.
Please, please remove the ghastly
bandannas from the goblets.
You, young man, put your camera
there pointing that way.
Look at him.
He's like
the gay Butch Cassidy
except not Butch.
If only we had a producer
who understood that objects
exist in a space.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
If only you came
to production meetings
to communicate
your ideas in advance.
Oh, but that would cut
into your rigorous drinking
and masturbation schedule.
[chuckles]
Do you guys do this at home?
Oh, no, we don't get along
this well at home.
Why don't you leave him?
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Citation
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"Ideal Home" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 5 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/ideal_home_10597>.