Ideal Home

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1

[knocking on door]

[police siren blaring

in distance]

[pounding on door]

[police radio chatter]

[man] Albuquerque police.

Open the door, please.

Dad, wake up, wake up.

Wake up!

- [sighs]

- [pounding on door]

[man]

Albuquerque police, open up.

[quietly]

F*ck.

All right, we gotta go.

All right.

[grunts]

Get your shoes on.

- [man] Open up.

- [pounding on door]

Piece of shit knocks me around,

then steals my Chanel purse?

That was real fucking Chanel!

I have some Chanel loafers

that I love,

so I totally get it.

Open up, please, right now.

- Why am I doing this?

- Stop asking questions.

- [siren wailing in distance]

- That's good. That's good.

[both grunt]

[grunts]

- Oh, goddamn it.

- What's happening?

Oh. Goddamn it.

Inside the cover of that Bible,

there's an address in Santa Fe.

- Get in a cab and go there.

- No!

Listen, it's better than

Child Protective Services.

You gotta trust me on that one.

All right, hey, look at me.

I know I'm not the best dad

in the world,

all right, but I love you.

[both grunt]

Goddamn it.

Hey!

What the hell was that for?

You fucked everything up!

[]

Get down on the ground!

Down on the ground!

I'm not resisting!

I'm not resisting!

[]

[gunshot]

Oh, hello!

And good morning.

Have you never been invited

to a ranchero breakfast?

Well, my friends, on this

glorious day, you are in luck.

- Because we...

- [man] Are you okay?

You're leaning.

It's a Western saddle.

I can't sit forward

like the English.

Cowboys sit back on their

haunches up against the cantle.

Oh! Ugh!

Oh, God.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah. I think so.

You know, we don't have to do

the scene on horseback.

I want to.

It's... it's important.

It adds to the masculinity.

It adds to the grandeur.

Well, that's true.

- Are you being facetious?

- Mm-hmm.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You are a gentleman.

You really are.

God knows they're in short

supply around here.

Oh, my God.

Would you quit flirting

with him?

It makes him feel awkward,

and he's straight.

No, it makes you feel awkward,

and he's gay.

Well, it makes everyone

feel awkward

watching you act

like a weird old woman.

No, you're a weird

old woman.

You want

to know something?

I could've worked for

Rachel Ray, and she's nice.

[vocalizes in mocking tone]

How about we just take it

from the first line?

I'd be delighted.

[male AD] All right,

everyone back to one.

[]

Step aside, son.

[engine starts]

[siren whoops]

[siren wails, fades]

This is a Basque oven paddle

that I have repurposed

as a tapas tray.

I like to serve

my stuffed paquillo peppers

on the back of a horse.

Mind you, a vaquero breakfast

needn't be on a vast rancho.

When we return,

I'll show you how you can cook

some of this gorgeous food

in your own little kitchen.

Ciao.

Dig in, amigos.

Manny, you old cock hound.

I didn't see you there.

You can't say "cock hound"

on basic cable.

Cut.

Get rid of

the terra-cotta pots. Yuck.

Ditto the galvanized tin.

Please, please remove the ghastly

bandannas from the goblets.

You, young man, put your camera

there pointing that way.

Look at him.

He's like

the gay Butch Cassidy

except not Butch.

If only we had a producer

who understood that objects

exist in a space.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

If only you came

to production meetings

to communicate

your ideas in advance.

Oh, but that would cut

into your rigorous drinking

and masturbation schedule.

[chuckles]

Do you guys do this at home?

Oh, no, we don't get along

this well at home.

Why don't you leave him?

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