How to Make Love to a Woman Page #6

Where are we going?

This crazy Internet promotions party.

Yeah, Andy needs to find

some sexperts.

Yes, and it wouId be

a pretty good idea

for you to meet

some of these peopIe.

And we fade out

as the soundtrack sings

You're like a black cat

With a black backpack

full of fireworks

And you're gonna burn

the city down right now

Whoa

Whoa

You're like a black cat

With a black backpack

full of fireworks

Let's do this.

I need a drink.

You guys handIe the sex peopIe.

[ Scoffs ]

Nah. Ew.

Nope. Dork.

Ooh, porn stars.

Come on.

...way too tragic

[ ChuckIes ]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

So, what is your probIem?

I wouId say it's more strategy

than anything eIse.

No, he can't get his girIfriend off.

I mean, at aII.

However, recent concerns

have come to Iight,

and I genuineIy fear

that my days may be numbered.

My girIfriend is my whoIe Iife,

though.

And I don't even think she knows it.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Why don't you waIk us

through your steps.

-Beginning to end.

-Okay.

WeII, first we kiss.

Then I touch her. . . b*obs.

Then I kiss her. . . b*obs.

For how Iong?

I don't know, Iike, probabIy

a coupIe minutes per boob.

Go on.

Then we'II get naked,

and we kiss some more.

And I'II touch her

in her. . . speciaI pIace.

And then we do it.

For how Iong?

At Ieast five or six minutes.

Five? PIease.

And at the end, does she ever,

you know, Iike--

[ Moans ]

No.

No?

And that's the probIem.

Your first mistake is you don't

spend enough time kissing.

SensuaI kissing is very important

in making Iove to a woman.

Huh.

Dude, I am getting a serious

notorious B-I-G in my pants.

Don't Iet her undress herseIf,

you know.

God, women absoIuteIy Iove

to be undressed.

-So, do it sIow.

-Oh.

Do everything sIow.

That just comes undone

just Iike that?

That's--

That's great.

VocaIize.

Men get turned on by visuaIs.

Women, we get turned on by audio.

You're so beautifuI.

You're turning me on, you b*tch.

Yeah, yeah, I Iike it

when you caII me a b*tch.

Yeah, you just wanna touch me

Iike that, don't you?

You just wanna touch me.

You just wanna touch me, smack --

-SIap my dick, sIap it!

-What?

SIap it, you--

I mean--

What can I get ya?

Can I have a vodka tonic

and a shot of tequiIa?

Okay.

-Here you go, beautifuI.

-Thank you.

Wow, you are sexy.

You know that?

Thanks.

Some awesome bands

pIaying tonight, huh?

Yeah.

Wow.

[ Scoffs ]

What--

Thank you, garon.

Ladies.

-So, what's the best position?

-No, no, no.

What's the best sequence

of positions, you know?

The key to making Iove to a woman

is not the positions,

it's the cIitoris,

it's the hot button to a woman,

it's the eweI.

The diamond, rarr!

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