Hollywood Sex Wars Page #6

OHH, OHH!

BUT DON'T LET HIM

PUT IT IN.

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE,

LEAVE WITHOU GIVING YOUR NUMBER.

THAT WORKS?

OF COURSE.

THE REJECTION PLAYS

ON THEIR INSECURITIES,

AND WE ALL KNOW THA ALL MEN REALLY CARE ABOU IS TITS AND ASS.

THANK YOU.

HA HA HA!

THEY WOULD SIT AROUND

OGLING US ALL DAY LONG

IF THEY COULD.

( laughter )

OH, MAN,

SHE WAS MADE TO GET LAID.

YOU GUYS CHECK THIS OUT,

IS HER ASS COMPATIBLE

WITH MY DICK?

AND WHAT THE F***

IS A CUPID SCORE, MAN?

JUST SHOW ME YOUR TITTIES.

RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT MEN

ARE DESIGNED TO DO.

GET WITH ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.

NOW, LOOK AT WHA THEY SAY, FIRST,

"NO PLAYERS.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING

FOR A HOOKUP,

THEN MOVE ON, MISTER."

THEN WHY THE F***

IS SHE STANDING:

IN FRONT OF A FERRARI

WITH HER TITS OUT?

RIGHT. IT'S TO GET YOU

ALL RILED UP.

AND CHECK IT,

"I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY

"WHO'S KIND AND LOYAL

AND SPIRITUAL:

AND CARING:

AND AMBITIOUS."

AMBITIOUS?

DOESN'T REALLY FIT,

RIGHT?

THE ONE COMMON WORD

IN ALL THE HOTTIES.

YOU KNOW, "GENEROUS"

SEEMS TO CROP UP THE MOST.

YEAH, I'M GETTIN'

"GENEROUS" A BUNCH, TOO.

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE

RIGHT THERE.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

BUT YOU CAN'T BE GENEROUS

IF YOU DON'T HAVE CASH.

YOU KNOW,

THE WOMEN WE'RE AFTER

ARE MONEY-GRUBBING HOS.

GODDAMN RIGHT.

WE KNOW FROM CAVEMAN TIMES

THAT A MAN IS GENETICALLY

PREDISPOSED:

TO BE FAITHFUL FOR A MAXIMUM

OF THREE YEARS:

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG

IT TAKES FOR AN INFAN TO LEARN HOW TO WALK.

THEN THEY LEAVE THE CAVE

AND THE MOTHER:

TO GO SPREAD THEIR SEED

FAR AND WIDE.

IT'S JUST HUMAN NATURE,

SO FORGET ABOU THAT FAIRY TALE,

GROWING OLD TOGETHER...

I LOVE FAIRY TALES.

LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE SEEDS

TO SPREAD,

BUT WE DO HAVE LEGS.

YEAH, WE DO!

EXACTLY. I MEAN, YOU GUYS ARE

ALL COOL AND HIPSTER LOOKING.

WHAT, ARE YOU IN A BAND?

YEAH, WE GOT BEATS.

YEAH, LIKE CREEPY BEATS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF

LIKE A GOTH VIBE

WITH, YOU KNOW, HIP-HOP.

YEAH, LIKE BAUHAUS

MEETS BOWWOW,

BUT LIKE MORE PALE.

ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

WITH A HINT OF:

C&C MUSIC FACTORY.

UNLESS YOU'RE

FREDDY F***ING MERCURY,

ALL THAT CONVENTIONAL WISDOM

ABOUT BEING IN THE BAND

GETTING YOU LAID

DOESN'T APPLY WITH THESE CHICKS.

MAN, THESE CHICKS WERE GETTING

DICKED OVER BY BAND DUDES

WHEN YOU WERE STILL POPPING ZITS

ON YOUR HISTORY HOMEWORK.

THAT'S YOU, BUDDY!

AND THEY DON'T GIVE A SHI

ABOUT YOUR "GIG"

AND YOUR CREEPY BEATS.

SO, LOOK,

GO GET YOUR HAIR CUT,

GO SEE MY TAILOR--

HE'LL GET GUYS ALL SORTED OUT--

AND WE'LL GET STARTED.

I'M SORRY.

WAIT. TAILOR?

IS THIS GOING:

TO BE EXPENSIVE?

YEAH, IT'S GOING

TO BE EXPENSIVE!

THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT.

AND THIS THRIFT-STORE SHI AND THESE IRONIC T-SHIRTS--

IT'S JUST NOT GONNA CUT IT.

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