Hole in One Page #5

I was dropping out of school?

Or the part where you screwed another girl

in front of my sister?

Yeah, well, I'm not the one who filmed it.

That was numb-nuts over here.

Hey, I didn't know it was you. I mean, I was...

Who goes around filming people

screwing anyway, you f***ing pervert?

- Hey, man, can I borrow that?

- JASON:
Yeah, sure.

- No!

- No.

TYLER:
See, Eric?

It's sh*t like this

why I don't let you go out with my sister.

You'd break her heart,

and then I'd have to kill you, all right?

If she goes and tells my parents

that I'm dropping out of school,

I'm screwed.

I still don't know what I did.

TYLER:
You never do.

Face it, man.

All you care about is a set of tits.

- What else would you guys like?

- I'd like to get under that skirt.

Sorry. There's only room

for one ass in this skirt.

(ALL SNICKERING)

I like her style.

Yeah, I see a bright future with you and her.

Later in your room.

So what's the deal, man?

You want to date Mandy or what?

I don't know. Ty will kick my ass.

Yeah, but do you like her?

Yeah, she's an amazing little hottie.

She's smart, and fun, and hot.

Yeah, and?

That's the problem.

I can't just stop banging

a bunch of different girls

and just bang one girl, you know?

I see a hot girl and I have to have her.

It's bigger than me.

Yeah, but it might be different

when you're with Mandy. You don't know.

No, it won't.

It won't. Trust me, dude. I can't control it.

Sure you can.

How? With castration?

Have you tried punching your balls a lot?

No, dude. I got it.

Next time you see a hot girl

and you start getting

all hot and bothered by her,

just picture her taking a sh*t, man.

One of those nasty ones, too. You know,

when she's all pushing and grunting, like...

(GRUNTS)

Then all of a sudden...

Just splatters the porcelain.

You're an idiot.

Yeah? Do you still

wanna bang the waitress?

No, as a matter of fact,

I can say that I don't at the moment.

See? You're cured.

Ta-da!

You can thank me later, bro.

As for me,

I'd still bang the waitress.

I don't care

if she drops a deuce in my mouth.

- Yeah, not hungry any more.

- Neither am I, man.

Pussies.

Thanks, fellows, for ruining

my favourite place to eat. Appreciate it.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Fergus, what's up?

Dude, I've got two doctors. It's all set up.

Cash buffet.

They're leaving a trail of money, dude.

Okay, cool, I'm on my way.

All right. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen,

I have some business to attend to.

You're gonna go let the Big Dog eat, Eric?

Big Dog gonna eat good?

(BARKING)

Go feed the dog, Eric.

He doesn't like me.

Nice one there, Carlton.

If I've told you once, I've told you

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