Hacks Page #4

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Oh, still not out. Oh well,

I've saved you the trouble.

I'm pushing this story up

to page two.

Ray, you're not fired.

So, the Fergie colonic irrigation

explosion story... anyone?

We are about to get a police raid.

Who told you?

The police.

We should tell Connor.

So, Connor, you're not telling me

to get rid of this stuff?

So, Kate, you're not ordering me

to get rid of it

but you'd just like it to happen.

Sod off, Oliver. You must be joking.

I'll do it.

Just put it in writing.

So you're saying take this

stuff downstairs and hide it?

We're not exactly saying it.

No, it's more of a...

"Why don't you?"

OK.

Why me?

Erm...

Because...

Because it's a tradition.

A tradition?

A tradition when

we take someone on full-time.

Oh, wow, that's great!

I never thought. That's brilliant.

The cops are coming!

We are in such sh*t.

I don't think so.

OK, everyone, stay calm.

Could someone look just

a little bit surprised?

I'm arresting your

royal correspondent.

There's a pile of evidence this big.

It's going to take that poor

work-experience lad months to read.

Darling, I'm a personal friend

of Princess Michael of Kent.

And I'm a personal friend

of Princess Gary of Essex.

(HIGH-PITCHED)

Hi, can I speak to Michael, please?

It's Janet.

Janet Jackson.

His sister, Janet Jackson.

Who is this? Hello?

Why does that f***ing chimp

always have to answer the phone?

Now, the geezer who did the hacking.

Nothing has been proven.

Have it your way.

The geezer who allegedly

did the hacking.

Charlie the Hacker

AKA Charles Dodge.

AKA Dodgy, AKA Well-Dodgy,

AKA Charlie Bollocks.

Now, he had a notebook

with the private mobile numbers

of several thousand celebrities.

Sienna Miller, Hugh Grant,

Prince William, several lords,

half the Cabinet.

Even Jackiey Goody.

Can you explain that?

Well...

Maybe they were...

His... friends?

Fair enough.

Sorry?

Fair enough. That's probably it.

You're accepting that explanation?

You're the ones

that know about all this.

Can I say,

your paper is bang dead-on

about the police being

proper kebabbed by red tape.

There's a couple of villains

I'm trying to get a wiretap on.

The forms you've got to fill in

just to hack their mobiles!

Strangely, by coincidence,

I have their names

on a piece of paper

in a pocket of my coat.

I'm off for a wazz.

Zoe! Is he Officer Filthy?

Didn't recognise him without

the courgette stuffed up his...

Did you put him onto this case?

There's a piece of paper in that

jacket. Get it out, would you?

Give that to Rav.

Oh, do I get another promotion?

Don't push your luck.

'But you said he died on 9/11?'

'Mum, when are you coming home?

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