Greg Davies: You Magnificent Beast Page #5

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Just imagine that, young people.

Imagine not being able to bite through

your own f***ing nails.

What's the evolutionary miracle

about that,David Attenborough?

In case I fancy skittering up a wall

like a f***ing lizard?

I've started behaving weirdly.

I've started buying folk music.

No one likes folk music,

not even the singers.

They can't be bothered

to sing out of their mouths.

[singing gibberish]

I've got albums full of the sh*t

round my place.

In the Sunday supplement,

I ordered one of those things

you put on your stomach to try

and make you not fat

without doing exercise.

You know the electrocution things?

And at a real low point in my life,

I found myself electrocuting myself

whilst listening to folk music.

[singing gibberish]

The hills of Donegal

You can turn it up really fast as well.

[sings gibberish]

I had to stop 'cause I thought

I was gonna sh*t myself.

Then I had a real wake-up call.

I did some warm up gigs

and had my friend support me.

Ed Gamble, who's a young, beautiful comic.

and then...

Ed. You talk about weird things

when you're on the road together.

And Ed, a much younger, prettier boy,

he made very casual reference

to when he got back to the hotel

that night,

he was gonna havea "tidy up"

downstairs.

And I went, "What?"

He said, "I'm goingto have a little..

trim downstairs."

-Sean?

-Yes. [laughs]

-Yeah.

-You trimming?

I have trimmed.

You're all trimming, aren't you?

All you men are trimming,

and it passed me by, "manscaping."

I'm like, "What the f*** are you

on about? Have a trim downstairs?"

He goes, "Come on, Grandad.

Everyone's trimming."

Which men here are trimming?

Just give me a cheer.

[scattered cheering]

Okay, fine.

I didn't know it was a thing.

I missed it.

I know that you women have been,

you know....

So you wanna hear a thing that's

not gonna make it into the show?

I was gonna say "waxing that rat."

Unbelievable.

Snip, snip, out it comes.

But it never occurred to me.

I panicked.

At the hotel, I thought,

"I better check this out."

I took my clothes off,

went to the bathroom,

and I stood in front of the mirror

to see how bad things were.

Oh, my God.

I had never noticed it before.

A giant, graying '70s afro.

Awful!

It looked like Don King was riding

on the back

of a depressed mini-elephant.

I thought, "You're never get

another girlfriend. You fat prick.

There's only one person

who's gonna be interested in that."

And the f***ing bear's in hiding.

So, I thought, "I'm gonna have to do

something about this."

So I did. I went back to my bedroom,

and I did something about it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen...

there were hairs down there

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