Greg Davies: You Magnificent Beast

Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Peter Orton
Production: Netflix
66 min


Now I'm not trying to be rude

But, hey, pretty girl, I'm feeling you

The way you do the things you do

Reminds me of my Lexus Coupe

Baby, give me that toot-toot

Let me give you that beep-beep

Running my hands through my 'fro

Bouncing on 24s

It's the remix to "Ignition"

Hot and fresh out the kitchen

Mama rolling that body

Got every man in here wishin'

Sippin' on coke and rum

I'm like, "So what? I'm drunk

It's the freakin' weekend, baby

I'm about to have me some fun

It's always good

to start a television special

with a joke that you'll never be able

to air, isn't it?

-[laughs] So--

-[woman] I want you to have my baby!


[woman] Will you have my baby?

Will I have your babies?

Gut instinct says no.

Definitely no. It's definitely no.

I have a system for stand up.

My system is, I go home to Shropshire,

where I'm from,

with a notepad and a pen,

and I wait for my parents

to say weird shit.

Then I come and tell you.

That's my system. Right?

I had some problems this time.

Problem number one...

About three years ago,

my dad, very selfishly, died.

You're pissed off.

I had three shows left in him.

Problem number two...

My mom pulled me to one side

when she heard I was gonna do a new show.

And she went, "I don't want you

to talk about me anymore."

And I went, "What?!"

She said, "I want you to stop

talking about me onstage."

I went, "Why?" She goes,

"You've had two shows out of me.

You've humiliated me on stages

all around the country.

Honestly, I think you've

had your money's worth."

And she's right, ladies and gentlemen.

I have. I've made thousands.

Thousands out of her.

So I stood there, going, "Shit!

What the f*ck am I gonna talk about?"

Anyway, then she changed the subject.

And this is what she said...

She said, "Have you been watching any

of that Oscar Pistorius retrial?"

I went, "Here we go.

All right. No, mom, I haven't. Why?"

She goes, "You haven't watched any?"

I said,

"I think I read a little about it."

She goes, "What do you think?"

I went, "What do you mean?"

-She said, "Do you think he did it?"

-I said, "He did do it."

She says, "I know he did.

Do you think you meant to do it?"

I went, "Well...

I'm not sure why we're

talking about this, oldlady,

but if you want my opinion, yeah,

he lost his temper and he shot her."

She went, "That's what I think. Yeah."

Then she said two things.

"Now, I want you to tell

me if you were in my position,

would you break a promise you've made

to your 77-year-old mother?"

'Cause they're both fucking astonishing.

Bearing in mind that Oscar Pistorius

shot his girlfriend to death...

Even the build up is hilarious.

She said, this..

"That silly lad. [laughing]

What a tyke.What a little tinker."

Then she followed it up

with the all-time classic.

"He had the world at his feet."

He fucking didn't, did he?

I said, "Don't expect me not

to use that onstage, old woman.

It's gold!"


she said the worst sentence

that anyone's ever said to me.

Imagine that in my business.

We went for a meal.

We went for a steak together.

I can't speak for the other

middle-aged people in the room,

but I find that

with every year that passes,

I have less and less

to look forward to in life.

So when I go for a meal...

I fucking have it.

I am consuming it,

and I am consumed by it.

My world goes...

[mimics doors closing]

and I'm just... "Oh, yeah.

[imitates chewing]

Oh, that meat is cooked to perfection.

The futility of life...

I'd just briefly forgotten the futility

of life."

My mom's opposite me,

and since she's on her own,

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Greg Davies

Gregory Daniel Davies (born 14 May 1968) is a Welsh-born, English stand-up comedian, actor, and former secondary school teacher. He is best known for his roles as Greg in We Are Klang, Mr. Gilbert in The Inbetweeners, Ken Thompson in Cuckoo, as the Taskmaster in Taskmaster, and Man Down playing Dan Davies, as well as for guest appearances on Mock the Week, Would I Lie to You?, and Fast and Loose. He has also performed on the Live at the Apollo series. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Greg Davies: You Magnificent Beast" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 6 Mar. 2021. <>.

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