Greg Davies: You Magnificent Beast Page #3

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Sorry, I forgot to say...

I went home recently

and found a picture of BT.

-Would you like to meet him?

-[cheering]

I can't hear you.

-[cheering continuing]

-Would you like to meet him?

Here he is.

What the f*** is that?

Because it isn't a bear,

is it ladies and gentlemen?

A f***ing frog, maybe.

It scared the living sh*t out of me.

It looks like ET, doesn't it?

If anything.

Oh, incidentally, I don't know

the last time you watched ET,

I watched it three weeks ago.

It was on one Sunday,

and I was drawn into that film

the way I was as a child.

It was the scene in the woodshed

when Elliott first uncovers ET.

And his little glowing finger comes out.

And I thought,

"God, that's a magical film, ET."

And my mate Rich was next to me.

He ruined that film in one sentence,

and I'm about to ruin it for you now.

'Cause he said-- I was going, "Oh, God...

this is like being a child."

And Rich went, "Tell you what, mate,

if I found something like that in my shed,

I'd stove it's f***ing head in

with a shovel."

And he's right, isn't he?

If you think about it for one second,

he's right.

If you found that in your shed,

you would panic,

and you would stamp the c*nt to death.

[speaks gibberish] It talks!

Mom!

A little early in the record to be

calling ET a c*nt, isn't it?

I like to call ET a c*nt.

It's funny when you film something

and you can hear things being cut out

as you say them.

[mimics cutting] ET's a c*nt.

Well, I stand by it. He is a c*nt.

[laughs] Look...

my point is...

[laughs]

Can I just say to the lady

who just looked at me really seriously,

the more upset you are,

the funnier I find it.

Look...

look...

Guys.

My point is...

it's a weird looking creature. Right?

But it's a mom doing her best for her son.

She couldn't afford what I wanted,

so she did her best.

I think we can all agree,

it's a sweet story, isn't it?

Or it would be...

But when I got to 13 years of age,

ladies and gentleman,

I f***ed that bear.

I did. Sorry.

I f***ed him right in his furry backside.

And I didn't f*** him once,

I'll tell you that.

I f***ed him for a whole summer.

I was out in the park,

playing with my friends.

And I'd f*** that every day.

Mom would shout, "Time to get up

for school, Greg."

I was too busy knocking

the back end out of this.

You can see it in his eyes

if you look closer.

Haunted.

Haunted.

I'll be honest with you. He could stand up

on his own after a while.

"Very funny, Greg.

Very funny!

First you make me out

to be a mad old lady.

Now I find out you've been fornicating

with the toys I made for you.

It's disgusting."

I say, "It's just a laugh, Mom."

She goes, "It's a laugh for you.

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