Early Man Page #3

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to me like that!

MESSAGE BIRD:

(SCOFFS) "Silly old bat!

"How dare she talk

to me like that?"

Delivering message!

- (SQUAWKS)

- (BOTH YELPING)

Guards! Get that bird back!

What does the Queen know anyway?

The cavemen are oafs.

My players are...

Overpaid?

Champions!

Oh, yes, champions.

They spend their days thinking,

sleeping, eating football.

LORD NOOTH:
And I hardly think

the cavemen will be doing that.

- (ALL GASP)

- Rise and shine!

Training time!

- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

- (SNORING)

(YELPS) Ow!

- (SPIDER CHITTERING)

- DUG:
No, not like that.

(GROANING)

When I said "free kick,"

I meant of the ball.

MAGMA:
Sorry, Dug.

- (GRUNTS)

- DUG:
Hognob, no!

(WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMS)

DUG:
Barry, where are you going?

No, don't wander off!

Football's hard.

GRAVELLE:
Dug, my toe hurts!

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

DUG:
Grubup, drop it!

I told you,

- (GRUNTS)

- it's the only one we've got.

Come on, everyone!

We should be able to do this.

No, don't... Don't sit down.

Grubup no like football.

Make Grubup hungry.

(DUCK SQUAWKING)

(SNIFFING)

Oh. Oh, ho-ho.

Food. (CHUCKLING) Yum!

(GRUNTS)

Huh?

(SCREECHING)

Oh...

(SQUAWKS)

(ALL WHIMPERING)

- (ALL CHATTERING)

- Duck! Duck!

ALL:
Huh?

- No! Duck!

- (ALL GASP)

(SQUAWKING)

TREEBOR:
Look!

It's a giant man-eating mallard!

Run away!

Huh?

(DUG GROANS)

(SIGHS)

(HOWLING)

You haven't eaten

your primordial soup.

Not really hungry.

(SIGHS) Oh...

Huh?

(SNIFFING)

(GASPS)

- (GRUNTS)

- (THUNDER RUMBLING)

Dug, it's time to give up

this football lark

for their sake.

They're just not capable of it.

Don't you miss the valley,

Chief?

The valley's gone now.

And we're better off

here in the Badlands

- than slaving down some mine.

- (DUCK SQUAWKS)

I mean, there's

the odd giant duck around,

but at least

we're still together.

We're still a tribe.

But our ancestors

played football.

We know they did.

I still believe we can do this.

With what?

You haven't even got

a ball to play with.

(SIGHS)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

CHIEF BOBNAR:
It's over.

(DISTANT HOWLING)

No. There's still time.

Come on, Hognob.

(SCREAMS)

(CREATURE GRUNTING)

(MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Okay, Hognob. Hognob?

- (DOOR OPENS)

- Huh?

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) Right.

Let's go get some balls.

- (GRUNTING)

- (THUDS)

Shh!

Shh!

(FLOOR CREAKING)

(FLOOR CREAKING)

(GRUNTS) Ow!

(STRAINING)

What strange magic is this?

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES)

Hognob. You stay.

I don't want

to attract attention.

(SIGHS)

Huh?

(YELPING)

(SCREAMING)

(YELPING)

(SCREAMING)

(YELPING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

LORD NOOTH:
What's all that

crashing around out there?

(WHIMPERING)

LORD NOOTH:

Is that you, Stefano?

Huh?

LORD NOOTH:
Stop messing about

and get in here

with those firm hands of yours.

Uh...

- (WATER SPLASHING)

- LORD NOOTH:
Come on, Stefano!

It's time for my massage.

(HOGNOB GULPS)

(GROANS)

(BALL BOUNCING)

(GRUNTING)

GOONA:
And the exciting

new signing

picks the ball up

in the center circle.

She beats one,

nutmegs another,

lobs it neatly over

the big fullback.

She's going all the way.

She shoots!

She scores!

Yeah!

And the crowd goes wild!

Goal!

- (SQUEAKING)

- (GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS AND GROANS)

LORD NOOTH:
Ah, I need this,

Stefano.

I'm feeling stressed.

An hardworking governor like me,

stuck out in

this miserable wasteland?

- He deserves a few perks.

- (YELPS)

Simple pleasures

like fine food,

a massage,

his own champion football team.

Well, come on, chop-chop,

I haven't got all day.

Oh, my tendons are like ropes.

You can go the whole hog.

HOGNOB:
Hmm?

(GROANING)

You're that crazy caveman guy.

The angry pan girl.

What are you doing here,

caveman?

This is the sacred turf.

No one's allowed here.

- Balls.

- Huh?

I need balls.

You came all this way

and broke into the stadium

just to find some balls?

Wow.

You're pretty brave, caveman.

And stupid.

Actually,

more stupid than brave, really.

Thanks.

I'm Goona, by the way.

Dug.

(MEN SHOUTING)

- Come on, I can help.

- (YELPS)

Ahh, ohh, eee...

(CHUCKLES) That's good!

Mmm.

(SIGHS)

I don't know what

the Queen is worrying about.

(CHUCKLES) I mean, we all know

what losers cavemen are.

Those Stone Age dolts couldn't

beat their own grandmothers.

Brainless goons!

Gormless halfwits!

(GROANING)

Stefano! Not so ham-fisted!

In fact, enough massage.

How about

some relaxing music instead?

Huh?

I envy you.

- Me?

- The chance to play

on that pitch, the sacred turf,

in front of thousands of fans!

Well, maybe you will one day.

You think they let girls play

for Real Bronzio?

You really are crazy.

Why do you think

I sneak in here?

(DOOR OPENS)

- DINO:
Who is that?

- (BOTH GASP)

Scarper!

Stop! Thieves!

- This way!

- (BLOWING WHISTLE)

(GROANING)

DINO:
(MUFFLED)

They went that way!

- GUARDS:
Huh?

- DINO:
No! That way!

- (HORN BLOWING)

- (BOTH GASP)

- GOONA:
Give me those, quick!

- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

- (GOONA GRUNTS)

- (METAL CLANGS)

- (GRUNTS)

- GUARDS:
Ow!

You're really good!

Thanks! (GRUNTS)

I do a lot of practice.

(GRUNTS)

- (YELPS)

- (GROANS)

Oh, I've just had

a great idea!

- (PLAYING HARP)

- (SINGING OFF-KEY)

(WHISTLE BLOWING IN DISTANCE)

- (GUARDS SHOUTING)

- DUG:
Come on!

Huh?

- (PLAYING FASTER)

- (SINGING FASTER)

What on Earth's

got into you tonight, Stefano?

- Stefano?

- Yes, sir?

Huh?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Hognob!

Hognob, meet Goona.

Goona, Hognob.

Hi, Hognob.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL GRUNT)

(SPUTTERING)

Sire, are you all right?

Of course I'm not all right,

you idiot!

I've just been massaged

by a pig!

(CHITTERING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(TRIBE SNORING)

(ALL GASP)

Wake up, everyone.

I want you all to meet someone.

This is Goona.

- (ALL GASP)

- Hi!

DUG:
And she's gonna help us

win the game.

- ALL:
Oh.

- Why would she do that?

She gets to play

on the sacred turf

in front of thousands of fans.

EEMAK:
Whoa.

Glad to be on board.

So what formation

do you normally play?

Um... Formation?

4-4-2 or 4-3-3?

Who's your sweeper?

ALL:
Um...

GOONA:
Do you man-mark

or play zonally?

ALL:
Uh...

We just kick the ball about

and chase it.

(SIGHS)

You think you can beat

Real Bronzio

just by chasing a ball around?

You need to know

what you're up against.

(ALL GASP)

This is Jurgend, the captain.

Best goal-scorer

in the known world.

- Knows it too.

- Ha!

GOONA:
Their winger,

Lightning Hammer.

Never strikes twice

in the same place.

- (CRACKLES)

- (GROWLS)

GOONA:
Midfield dynamo

Qwik Wun Tu.

He can kick faster

than you can think.

(YELLS)

GOONA:
Fullback,

Gonad the Gaul.

No one gets past his tackle.

- Oh!

- Aw, Mum!

Make no mistake.

These are the best players

bronze can buy.

They're like ginormous

great big footballing giants!

Oh, there's no way we can beat

such a great team.

They may be great,

but what they're not is a team.

They're 11 players

who each think they're the star.

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