Drunk Wedding Page #3

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He has been faking orgasm.

What?

- Yeah, he's been faking.

- Oh, God.

How do you even know

that he's faking it?

Because I checked.

- Your vagina?

- No, I didn't check my vagina.

I used a condom,

and I checked in the condom,

and there was no cream in the Twinkie.

Sounds like you're not turning him on.

Do you know

how to get him in the mood?

Yeah. I don't need help, thank you.

This is Nica, baby.

We in Nica, boys.

Let's get crazy!

Come on, this is sacred territory.

- Hello, I'm sorry.

- Come in.

- I'll see you in a bit.

- Golden shower, baby.

Give it a chance.

So, we took this ski trip to Vermont.

I was in my room

about to bang this hot-ass waitress

that had the biggest f***ing titties

you've ever seen.

Ivan comes in with a f***ing camera

and ruined the whole damn thing.

Payback's a b*tch, bro.

You guys hear that shower? Right?

Classic Ivan. All through college

he'd run the shower

while he was having sex with Sarah

so nobody would hear him.

Come. Come.

Yeah.

- Oh, sh*t.

- What the phooey, bro.

What the f*** are you doing?

- Shut the f*** up.

- What are you doing?

Get the f*** out of here.

Are you jacking off?

No. What? Are you crazy?

- Look, it was just...

- Guys, get out!

- Get out! Get out.

- Don't touch me.

- Go, go, go. Get the f*** out.

- She touched me.

- Were you jacking off?

- No, I'm not even...

- You get out!

- Can you do it for camera?

- Just get the f*** out of here.

- What were you doing?

Come on.

- F***ing two hands?

- Get out!

Did you see that?

She just rocked the door frame.

I don't know anybody

that does it two-handed.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

I'm in there all hot and wet, and hoping

maybe you'll come in after me.

- I didn't know...

- Instead you're out here

watching f***ing porn?

- It's just porn.

- Old poon. You f***ing perv.

Okay, you know what?

Let's have sex right now.

I'm not gonna have sex

with you right now.

Let's have sex... Why not?

Let's have sex...

No, I don't want

any pad of your porn dick.

Makes no difference.

Let's have sex right now.

No, that's disgusting. No, I don't want it.

- You just said...

- No. No.

You know what?

I will see you f***ing later.

F*** you guys!

Man, stand and deliver.

Can I just ask something?

Why two-handed?

- Really, why?

- It's that big?

Why two... Why like...

I've never seen that. And standing up?

Let's all laugh it up.

Let's all really enjoy it.

'Cause you are in for some serious sh*t.

Phil, where are you, baby?

Are you in here?

- Hey. Baby-

- Hey.

You're wearing fancy shirt.

Looking nice.

- Looks pretty good, right?

- Yeah.

Hey.

You brought your Xbox to Nicaragua?

I was just gonna go see

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