Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself Page #4

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Meetings listening to this sh*t.

There's a chapter to the

Agnostic in the big book, their

Bible, and you'd go oh, oh

Chapter to the agnostic, this

Will teach you how to use this

Program as a reasonable grown-up

Adult human being.

No, they don't do that.

No, the chapter to the agnostic

Tells you how to stop being

Agnostic and start believing in

A little bit of god, you

Stubborn little fella.

You gotta believe in him.

And it tells you if you don't

Already have a god, make up your

Own, and you go, "I'm a drunk.

I can't even make up a good

Excuse for why I pissed in the

Sock drawer last night."

This is probably--

(audience cheers and applauds)

Probably--probably not a good

Time for me to be creating

Omnipotent deities that I will

Lay my life down before for the

Rest.

you're our god, doug.

me a god, yes, yes, and you

Are my f***ing satan.

First step of aa, you have to

Admit that you're powerless over

Alcohol and that your life has

Become unmanageable, and then

They go onto the next step

Which you have to turn your life

And your will over to a power

Higher than yourself.

And you go, "I was a

Freethinking atheist coming

Into this bullshit, but since I

Went along with you on that

First step on a goof where I'm

Powerless over alcohol, I guess

Then by default, alcohol would

Have to be my only higher power,

So...

(audience cheers and applauds)

I'll go with the--I'll go with

Vodka, I guess.

If I am to be a monotheist and

Pick just one, I will go with

Vodka.

It's a good all occasions.

It mixes well in the morning

With a nice citrus beverage.

Makes a good christmas drink

With neighbor dave and evil e.

The people say, well, what's--

You know, what's the big deal?"

And by people, I mean all you

Shitheads on my facebook page

That every time I say something

Anti-aa or pro-charlie sheen

Or anti dr. Drew--

"stanhope, I'm normally with you

On, you know, most of everything

You say, but you really--you're

Off the--off the mark on this.

Drug abuse is a really serious

Problem.

It's a serious issue.

So what's the problem if someone

Has to believe in a higher power

To get them through?"

That's not the problem!

The problem is when a medical

Professional who is on every

Goddamn night on the f***ing

News is telling you, you have a

Disease that's not a disease,

And he's telling you the cure is

A god that doesn't exist.

It's a big f***ing problem.

What's your problem?

What's your problem?

So what?

It's a problem.

It's a problem of the earth.

I got bladder cancer and you're

Applying leeches instead of

Doing research.

(laughter)

It's a huge problem.

I have comics that will call me

Up because of the economy, like,

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