Doug Stanhope: Before Turning the Gun on Himself Page #5

---

"dude, how you doing on the

Road out there?

You getting beat up?

Like, how--"

You go like, I drink as much

As I ever drank, yeah.

I feel like sh*t physically, but

I'm not like--I'm not in agony

But I feel lethargic for years,

Or decade maybe.

It's just my piss stinks.

That's not normal.

I was in f***ing anchorage for a

Summer solstice at becker's

House, outside I'm pissing on a

Pine tree, and they're having a

Barbecue.

I'm like 20 yards away pissing

On a pine tree, and my buddy

Billy, bad fireman says, "dude,

Is that your piss?"

You could smell my piss?

He's like, "god damn it, what's

Wrong with you?"

I don't--I don't know.

I don't know.

My kidneys are f***ing

Defective?

I don't know.

Taking a leak on a tree in the

Great wilderness of alaska

Should not be a "who farted?"

Situation.

So maybe--yeah, maybe I'm

Getting beat up, like, my

Internal organs.

I sh*t.

I sh*t a lot during the day, but

I always--I mean like ten times,

But not a lot of product.

They're just like clumps, and

It comes out in a consistency.

If it's not just sheer liquid,

It's like thick mud.

Do you ever see history channel,

And you're watching like g.I.'s

In world war ii trying to push a

Jeep out of deep mud and it's

Just that like packed--it's like

Soft-serve ice cream.

It comes out like that, but not

A lot at a time.

It's just--it's almost like a--

And I don't know if my organs

Are just--I'm way too fat in the

Middle to--for as little as I

Eat.

I just--it's just in the middle

Part is always bloated, so I

Don't know if my organs from all

The drinking, or the liver and

Kidneys are swelling up and

Pushing against the

Gastrointestinal tract and

Making it hard for the sh*t to

Get--like sh*t has to push its

Way through like a--like an

Offensive line, a fourth and

One, it's just--so you gotta--

You don't have to get the whole

Football over the line, just get

A piece over the line and we--

Touchdown.

And then my friend the comic on

The other line will say, "no, I

Meant beat up like ticket sales.

How does--how is--like the

Economy is all in the rubbish

And--"

Oh, sorry about that whole

Soliloquy about my chewing-

Tobacco loads of dumps that I

Take.

Yeah, tickets are fine.

If you wanna feel bad for

Someone in a down-turned

Economy, I'll give you someone.

Prostitutes, because a

Prostitute doesn't have that

Same worst-case scenario b-plan

That we all enjoy.

No matter how shitty things are

Going for you on the job.

"danny, if they lay off any more

People, I'm gonna be out on the

Street sucking d*cks for a

Living.

I got nothing else.

I'm serious."

Hooker doesn't have that same

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes