Donald Glover Weirdo Page #5

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And she plays me the voice

message I left.

And I didn't keep it,

but I remember it very well,

and it went a little something...

It went like this.

Boop.

"Hey, it's Donald, I just

wanted to let you know that

"I'm running a little bit late

picking up Ben,

but I just

wanted to let you know..."

( screaming )

"What'd you do?

"What'd you do?

I gotta hide!"

( panting )

"I'll hide in this tree!

"Get away!

"Get away!

Leave me alone!"

( sobbing )

"I want to die, I want to die."

That's pretty much

how it sounded.

So-

( cheers and applause )

Thanks.

So I've had a lot of run-ins

with, you know,

like, homeless people

and stuff like that.

And you know, I lived in

Downtown LA,

and Downtown LA is kind of like

the '80s decided to stay there.

They're like, oh, yeah, you guys

go ahead and be the '90s,

go enjoy Ace of Base.

We'll be here,

practicing the Moonwalk

and selling crack.

Like, that's

everything in Downtown LA.

And I... You know, I'm hanging

out in Downtown LA

and I would always have...

You know, I would have,

like, parties or something

or watch movies

and stuff like that

and I'd have girls over

and I'd always had to walk them

back to their car.

Like, they ask me,

like, can you walk me back?

And I'm like, sure.

And around the seventh time,

I was like,

wow, every girl who comes over

asks me to walk them

back to their car,

like, no matter what time.

And like, I realized,

I was like,

Oh, they're afraid they're gonna

get attacked

or raped or something,

and I was like, oh, my God,

like, that's ridiculous.

Like, as a grown man,

I never think of that,

like, that's never in my head.

Like, oh, will I get...

Like, rape isn't right around

the corner for me

like it is for women,

which is so messed up.

Like if someone...

Like, I'm an adult male,

I'm a grown man.

Like, if someone

was gonna rape me, like,

someone's gonna attack

me and rape me,

like, they had to be, like...

Like, real tricky about it,

you know?

Like, real tricky.

Like, I'd be, like, going in

the movie theater,

I got my popcorn, you know.

About to go see, like,

a movie with a bunch of

explosions in it.

Just like,

"Hey, what's going on?

"Sorry, man, sorry.

"Oh, sorry, man, sorry, just

trying to get through.

"It's 'The Expendables.'

"Sorry, excuse me, trying...

"Sorry, all right.

Ah!"

And then I see, like...

Then I see, like, a man dressed

like a chair running away.

Goddammit!

"What up, man?"

"Nothing...

I got raped again, man."

"Can you believe this?

No, I don't want to watch

'Expendables' anymore."

I was hanging out

in my neighborhood

and this girl was jogging

and we started talking

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