Dirty Movie Page #6

and I have bad news.

And the bad news is

the accident was very severe.

She has a ruptured esophagus,

so you're gonna have to feed her

through a tube daily.

- Okay.

- We had to amputate both her arms,

so you're gonna have to

help her in the bathroom

and pretty much wipe her ass

for the rest of her life.

Oh God.

There's gonna be a white milky discharge

coming from her vagina.

Don't worry.

Its normal but very pungent.

So make sure that you change

her diaper every three to four hours.

Oh God.

What's the good news?

Im just kidding. She's dead.

Hey, babe, you wanna f***?

Oh, I have a gynecologist

appointment in the morning.

I can't.

Do you have

a dentist appointment?

So there we were

in Africa on safari

tracking a giant

man-eating lion for days.

Finally we made camp.

And that night,

just as I was falling asleep,

the lion tore into

my tent and roared-

rr-arrgh!

I sh*t in my pants.

Oh. Well, that's okay.

If there was a lion in my tent,

I would have sh*t my pants too.

No, not then. Just now

when I went "Rarr-gh!"

I sh*t in my pants.

Did you hear about

the Polish girl

who dropped her gum

in the toilet?

She chewed the sh*t out of it.

Arr!

Through the perilous

Fight

Everybody was

kung fu fighting

Pick up a bottle and hit her

Upside her head now

'Cause you're fine

Don't want to get

your pretty face messed up

I know I don't want to get

my pretty face messed up...

All right,

having our first audition,

making a movie,

having an audition.

- Mm-hmm.

- Did you call the actors?

The casting director does that.

Right right.

Having an open call,

a cattle call, as they say.

Come in, the first actor!

Give it to me.

What's the difference

between a p*ssy and a c*nt?

A p*ssy is warm, wet

and feels awesome

on your cock,

and a c*nt's the b*tch

that owns it.

We'll give you a call.

What did one gay sperm

say to the other gay sperm?

"How am I gonna find the egg

through all this sh*t?"

Next!

You hear about the guy

who had five c*cks?

A condom fit like a glove.

Oh.

Next!

What do women and tornadoes

have in common?

They moan when they come

and they take the house when they leave.

- Thank you.

- He seemed fine.

Oh, trust me.

I know the funny.

Next!

How do you know

when your wife is really dead?

The sex is the same,

but the dishes start piling up.

Next!

What do you call

a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.

Next. Next. Next. Next.

What's round, long, hard

and has seamen in it?

A submarine.

- Thank you.

- Hey!

Let me, please.

You got something, kid.

I can feel the funny

flowing from you,

but you're just not letting it go.

You gotta share the funny,

draw us in with the funny,

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