Deep in the Heart of Texas: Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Page #6

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Not if I'm hungry.

I'll go straight to the front.

"Hey, man. Let me get a two-piece."

I don't give a f*** what he says.

"You want a biscuit with that, n*gger?"

"I thought it came with a biscuit.

What's all this attitude?

I want a two-piece. Chop, chop.

You know what it is."

But I'm not gonna be mad.

Why would I be mad?

He's the one that's gotta work

at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me.

How about this? What if I lived in Austin

and I had a white girlfriend?

It's possible in Austin.

As a matter of fact,

some people say it's necessary.

But that's not the point.

And me and my white girlfriend are

at home one night,

and we're just doing what lovers do.

Maybe she's butt-naked

and she's down on one knee,

giving me a hand-job.

I love a good hand-job.

And she's really jerking me off.

You know,

getting her obliques nice and tight.

I got a huge dick, so she's like...

And I'm like, "Wow,

this really feels wonderful.

I think I'm gonna come."

And then she looks up at me and goes,

"Come in my face...

n*gger."

I know, that's a tough one.

Well, what do you think I'm gonna do?

"Hey!"

That's no time for integrity,

ladies and gentlemen.

I'm busting that nut in her face.

I'll sort through the ethics later.

But I'm what they call a man of his word.

If I say I'm coming, I'm coming.

I don't give a f*** what happens.

God forbid, somebody could shoot me.

If I say I'm coming, there's still that--

It doesn't mean I like getting shot.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, a tough time for the blacks.

I'm not gonna say nothing

about the police.

I'll leave that for Chris Rock.

The other big sports story

was, f***ing, Ray Rice's tape.

Anyone see that Ray Rice tape?

I can't stop watching it.

It's f***ing awful.

It's the most violent thing

I've seen happen to a woman

that was shot in color.

Really f***ing bad.

If I could've froze time at that moment

and gave Ray Rice some advice,

I don't think there's any way possible

I'd be like...

"You should punch her in the face."

That's a f***ing terrible idea.

At the same time, I also believe

she shouldn't have rushed him.

What the f***? You can't beat him.

Don't rush a motherf***er that's trained

to stiff-arm people in the clutch.

He's gonna get the upper hand.

The only reason I bring him up is because

he's about to play football again.

You didn't know that?

The NFL was told by a federal judge

they had to reinstate Ray Rice

because he was transparent

with their investigation.

He told them exactly what he did.

And they can't just change their ruling

just because the tape came out.

I get it. That's like if I'm hanging out

with my buddies, and I'm like,

"Hey, guys, guess what I did last night?

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