Deep in the Heart of Texas: Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Page #5

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If you know anything about show business,

it is really hard to get fired

from the f***ing Food Network.

And they dropped that b*tch

like a hot potato.

All because she called somebody an N-word

30 years before she had a show.

I don't know who she said it to,

but whoever it was

was just looking at her like,

"I'm gonna get you for this, b*tch."

That sh*t came back 30 years later

like a Bill Cosby rape

and sunk her battleship.

And every black person was mad,

but we weren't that mad.

It was more confusing

than it was infuriating.

I was just like, "Well, how is this b*tch

gonna call me a n*gger

when she taught me how to fry chicken?

That's not fair."

I think Donald Sterling's sh*t

was more serious.

Remember Donald Sterling?

He used to own the Clippers,

and then he got caught

on a secretly recorded tape

saying some very unsavory things

about African-Americans.

And there's a lesson in that

for all of us.

The lesson is if you are old

and white and racist

in this great country,

whatever you do...

don't tell your black girlfriend

about that sh*t. Because...

that's who made the tape.

She recorded all that sh*t.

And the tape was terrible.

He was like, "Stop bringing black guys

to my games."

At first, we were all confused.

"How the f*** are you gonna have a game

without us?"

But it turned out that the black guy

he was speaking of

was none other than Magic Johnson,

the billionaire!

Unbelievable.

Never even mentioned the fact

that he had AIDS,

which is the first thing I would've said

to my girlfriend.

This guy must be really racist

if AIDS is the footnote.

"You gotta be careful, baby.

He got the old Ebola."

You can say what you want about that girl,

but I'm gonna tell you right now

she is a goddamn hero.

You might've thought

these things were happening before,

but now you can see it all in front of you

without a shadow of a doubt.

That sh*t actually went down.

She sucked that old guy's dick.

She really took one for the team

on that one.

That's really gross.

His dick is, like, 80 years old.

It's like tasting history.

Like, five wars on it,

the Civil Rights Movement,

the Great Depression.

This guy's been f***ing from 40 years

before Bill Cosby's first rape.

It's a very old man.

A very old penis.

But all that sh*t

is still just name-calling.

Like, name-calling does not break

the modern black man.

That's not gonna do the trick.

I don't give a f*** about that.

If I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken,

and for some reason,

everyone behind the counter had

a Ku Klux Klan hood on top of their head,

what do you think I'm gonna do

in this day and age?

Run out of Kentucky Fried Chicken?

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