Deep in the Heart of Texas: Dave Chappelle Live at Austin City Page #7

---

I f***ed this big, fat girl I met

at the club."

And they're all like,

"Oh, sh*t, Dave. That's crazy."

And then they see a tape of me doing it,

and they're like...

"We can't hang out with you anymore, Dave.

That's not what this crew is all about."

I'd be like, "What?

I told y'all what I did."

What's really f***ed up is the tape

was made before they were married.

Isn't that weird?

I don't know why she'd do that.

I don't even know why he would do that.

As a guy,

would you want to live with a woman

that you had once punched in the face

with all your strength?

That's some very bold

Color Purple-type sh*t.

"Celie! Come out here and shave me!"

Are you out of your f***ing mind?

I had to ask an older friend of mine,

just to get some perspective,

this older black dude.

Actually the fairest person I've ever met.

And I asked him.

I just said, "Hey, man,

did you see that Ray Rice video?"

And instantly, he was like,

"David, that sh*t was disgusting."

And then a moment later, he goes...

"I wonder what she said to him."

I don't think that matters.

I think the idea is you're not supposed

to punch her in the face.

Because my wife says terrible sh*t to me.

My wife once called me a p*ssy...

in front of dinner guests.

I know. I started to get mad,

but then I was like,

"F*** it. She's probably right."

I am a p*ssy. I admit it.

I'm soft and warm and persuasive,

like a real p*ssy.

That's right.

Then I told her, "If you don't take care

of me properly,

I might stink, like your p*ssy."

Oh, we fight dirty

at the Chappelle household.

It's not a big deal.

No, no. If you want to get to the bottom

of a matter of the heart,

what you're supposed to do

is ask a woman.

Now, actually,

there's two women that I know--

they're both college professors

in this little area I live in,

and I meet them twice a week

at Starbucks for coffee.

We talk about important sh*t.

And I asked the girls--

we was in a coffee klatch.

I said, "Yo, why do y'all think

that this woman stayed with Ray Rice

after he punched her in the face

with all his strength?"

And one of my girlfriends said,

"David, you need to wake the f*** up.

She's staying for the money."

Now, wait a minute,

'cause my other girlfriend was like,

"I disagree.

I think that she actually loves him."

And I said, "Wait a minute, ladies.

You know what?

I think that you're both right."

And what I was doing when I said that

was preserving the possibility

of a threesome with these b*tches.

I'd been chipping away at this p*ssy

one cup of coffee at a time

for, like, four years.

I wasn't gonna throw that hard work away

with some Ray Rice sh*t.

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote