Dating My Mother Page #3

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Drink with us.

- Hmm.

- Okay.

Mm-hmm. No.

No. One earring does not do it.

Do two or forget it. Next.

No. Bow tie. Go.

- He's cute. He's very cute.

- Hmm.

Oh, send him a message

or a poke or a prick.

[Joan laughs]

What do I say.

I don't know. I feel like

maybe you should just wait

for him to message you.

- [Lisa] Oh, wow!

- Play it cool.

Come on.

What happened

to Wild Lady Gaga Danny?

When did you become

Conservative Danny Duggart?

- [laughing]

- [Danny] I'm just saying.

I feel like straight people

are into gender roles

or whatever.

[Lisa] Well, I'm saying

break that rule,

break and bury

that outdated sexist rule,

and you are a catch,

and you should message him.

He'd be lucky to have you.

Isn't that right, Danny?

I mean, isn't your mom's hole

a total ace?

- Eww!

- [giggling] Lisa!

What? What?

I said she's...

- she's a ace in the hole.

- No.

You didn't say that though.

- That is not what you said.

- No.

- All right.

- Oh!

My hole is an ace.

[laughing]

[Lisa]

Totally.

Oh, God.

[coughs]

Oh, Lord almighty,

I've killed my bestie.

Are you okay?

Drink. Breathe. Breathe.

- Okay.

- Okay.

I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna do it!

Yeah. Hashtag feminism.

Exactly, hashtag feminism.

- I'm too old for this.

- No, you are not too old.

And old is good, by the way.

I love getting old.

The older you get, the less

and less you give a sh*t

about anyone or anything.

- Clearly.

- Mm-hmm.

All right, look at that.

"Nice to meet

your virtual acquaintance."

- Mom!

- What? I haven't met him yet.

You cannot say that.

Come on.

[keyboard clacking]

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, you're good.

- It's good.

- I try.

- Yeah.

- [phone dings]

- Oh.

- Oh.

Somebody sexting you?

Come on.

[Lisa] Oh, look at that

little sly smirk.

- Hmm?

- [Joan sighs]

- Uh, is it a fella?

- A fella?

It's no one. He's from LA.

Oh, sorry.

Excuse me, California.

- Is it your ex?

- No.

No. It...

Okay, it's Khris.

- Khris? As in Khris Restrepo?

- Hmm.

But he was just at the party?

How could he be in Los Angeles?

Mom, I was lying.

Is he even gay, honey?

[Lisa]

It doesn't matter anymore?

As long as he has a huge dick?

[all laughing]

Amen.

[Joan]

Oh, my God.

[sighs]

- Lisa's a nutjob.

- [Joan] I know.

I love it.

She's already sent me

three Facebooks today.

- She's like a spy.

- Are you serious?

I think she's enjoying this

more than me even.

I mean, she has been married

to the same man for 30 years.

She's probably pretty bored.

[Joan] I suppose.

So, what are you doing today?

[woman on TV]

Big toes together.

Just a little bit of space

between your heels.

Lower your hips.

Lift your belly.

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