Dating My Mother

---

Mom, wait.

Oh.

[sighs]

Danny, can you get the plate?

Sure.

Hurry, the asparagus is burning.

You're driving, right?

I guess so.

Mom.

[sighs]

You get the tickets.

I'll get the keys.

Want something?

No, I shouldn't.

What if we split?

Hmm?

Mmm.

What is our Netflix password

anyway?

I literally tell you every day.

Literally, huh?

It's a figure of speech, Joan.

The password's "Go To The Gym."

Wake me up at 7:
30.

Ugh!

It's so early.

Maybe I should just sleep

in my own bed tonight?

Whatever you want.

[sighs]

No, it's okay.

I'll make do.

You look... cute.

What's that supposed to mean?

What?

You hesitated.

I didn't.

"You look...

cute."

That's what you said.

Okay. Okay.

I still don't know

about the bag.

I don't know. Feel like it kinda

wraps the whole thing together.

I know.

But do you want to be

carrying it the whole day?

That's what I was thinking.

Right.

[alarm chirps]

This looks... like garbage.

[laughs, shushes]

Oh, my God, Danny!

I didn't know you were coming.

Same!

And Joan. Hi!

Aw!

Congratulations, Tanya.

Thank you.

Oh, you're so sweet.

So, can you believe

college is already over?

I mean, life is like

flying by.

I know, right?

- Tell me about it.

- Oh, my God!

Melanie. Hey!

I haven't seen you forever.

[woman]

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, it would be

for a TV show, a news show.

- Mom.

- What?

I don't want you to jinx it.

Right.

[chuckles]

Excuse me.

- Yo, Danny

- Oh, sh*t, Khris.

- I didn't know that you were still around.

- What's good, man?

- How you doing?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Hold on.

Wow, you got some moves.

Seasoned pro.

[chuckles]

How long are you

in town for?

I, uh, I'm just waiting

to hear back

from some jobs and...

[sighs]

Who the f*** really knows, man.

Word, man. Word.

I've been here for about

a month or so.

[Tanya giggling]

And I was like,

"Of course we can volunteer

at the soup kitchen."

- [woman] We'd be glad to help.

- [Tanya] Thank you.

I heard she got, like,

some sick job in fashion.

Like... uh, Bergdorf

or something.

Yeah. But I heard

she's an assistant.

So, do you still smoke

a lot of pot?

[chuckles]

What?

Do you maybe have

some here?

Maybe not now

But you keep on

hanging 'round

Keep on hanging 'round

my door

Maybe

Maybe not now

But you keep on coming back

Keep on coming back

for more

Maybe

Maybe not now

But you keep on

hanging 'round

Keep on hanging 'round

my door

Maybe

Maybe not now

But you keep on coming back

Keep on coming back

for more

Maybe

[retches]

Maybe not now

[grunts]

I cannot believe

you embarrassed me

in front of all my friends.

They're not your friends, Mom.

They're just a bunch of rich

white people from New Jersey.

Oh, and what would you call

yourself then, Danny?

I don't know.

Queer.

I don't like that word.

[sighs]

We're reclaiming it.

What did they teach you

at that school anyway?

Have you ever heard

of intersectionality?

What?

I don't know. I need a bag.

I think I might throw up.

[Joan] So, George asked

me out last night.

Mr. Rosenberg.

Oh.

I said no.

He's just so skeevy.

He asked me if hairdressing

was a job or just a hobby.

Gross.

But it got me thinking.

I should really start

dating again.

You know,

your mom is quite a catch.

Is this because I puked

on Tanya's begonias?

No, Danny.

I've been feeling like this

for a long time.

Ever since Sidney

and I broke up.

- But you dumped him.

- I know.

He was such a square.

He was the first man I dated

after your dad passed.

I know.

Can I?

I just want someone

who makes me smile,

who makes me laugh.

I mean, I'm hilarious.

[laughing]

See?

What are you doing?

- I'm helping her bag.

- No, Mom.

I mean, this is wasting

a lot of plastic.

Where are the reusable bags

I got you? Here.

We can just fit these

in here. Thank you.

That's too much. That's...

It's fine.

Sorry.

[groans]

So, are you gonna help me

or are you just gonna sit

on the computer all day?

Mom?

What are some

of my long-term goals?

Excuse me?

This guy on Match is asking.

- You're already on Match?

- Yeah.

What are some

of your long-term goals?

I don't know.

Maybe a beach house.

I can f*** with that.

Daniel.

Maybe I'm thinking too small.

Oh, he's old.

Old like a fox is old.

Silver.

He's a little short for me.

You should make an account.

Oh, no. I've done that.

I don't need to see

any more dick pics, thank you.

- What?

- Anyways,

I don't think dating will be

that fruitful here, you know.

I mean, I'm only gonna be here

for a few weeks tops.

You could be here longer,

you know.

Yeah. I'll have fun

talking to Lionel

The Lionhearted 6-2-3.

Good God, Mom.

[laughing]

My name is Magnus.

I'm 27,

looking for love

in all the wrong places.

Also, I'm a registered nurse.

My likes include compost,

stone fruit, and Enya.

My name is Levantre.

I am 23 years old,

ad Paris is burning!

Jamal, 22.

Science major looking

to create some chemistry.

Also, no blacks.

What? Come on.

Stephen, 26.

No fems allowed.

I do yoga every damn day.

Patrick, 25.

- Hey, I'm Mark.

- You don't go to the gym.

- I'm Courtney.

- I'm Kristin.

Tobias, 23, and...

we're looking for a fourth.

Mmm.

[indistinct]

- [on TV] The forecast mostly sunny...

- [channel changes]

...with the top photographer

at the time...

...designed for a convenient way

to exercise anywhere.

A mesh canopy supports

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes