Craig Ferguson Just Being Honest Page #4

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This tofu tastes like bacon.

This melon feels like a vagina.

Actually, that...that is true.

Perhaps I've said too much.

What can I tell you?

I was young. I was in love.

It was Paris.

It was springtime.

Melons were in season.

We saw each other

over the produce counter.

Here's a tip, by the way,

if you are going to try

the melon-vagina experiment.

Please, allow the melon to reach

room temperature first.

Don't just go straight to

the refrigerator and get busy.

Don't!

Go out,

see a movie or something.

Get to know each other.

Don't just go at it

with a freezing-cold melon.

I think that's what happened

to Christopher Walken.

You know somebody's

gonna be angry now.

People get very angry usually

when you talk about

having sex with fruit.

Oh, come on, Craig,

that's disgusting.

It's not even comedy.

It's just disgusting.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

If you are doing it correctly.

It's not even comedy.

My father used to say

the same thing

about music I liked

when I was a kid.

He was like,

"That's not even music, son.

That's just a noise."

I'd be like, "That's what

f***ing music is, Dad.

It's a noise.

"Oh, that's not even music.

It's a noise."

'Cause I used to...'cause I loved

punk rock when I was a kid.

We all did.

It was like...

F*** you to the queen

F*** you to the queen,

f*** you to the...

F*** you to the queen

The queen,

ah, ah, ah, queen

We were very angry

at the queen...

Which I think

must have confused the queen

a great deal at the time.

She'd be like, "What the f***?

Why is everybody angry at me

all of a sudden?"

This is the queen

walking her dog.

Painting a word picture.

No, we were very angry at

the queen. I can't remember why.

We were young

and therefore stupid.

That's right, young people,

I called you stupid.

Tell me how offended you are

on Instagram.

That's how you little f***ers

deal with confrontation now,

isn't it?

"Oh, yeah?

Well, guess what.

"I've got some things to say to

you, and this is gonna be bad.

Aah!" Send.

Anyway, my dad used to hate

the music,

'cause I loved punk rock,

and my dad hated it.

He was like, "That's not even

music, son. It's just a noise."

I'd be like, "Dad, that's what

music is. It's a noise."

For example, I don't

particularly enjoy

the saxophone stylings

of Kenny G, all right?

I understand

this is risky material.

Stay with me.

I don't...I don't care

for Kenny G.

I'm not into it.

I don't like all that...

Fadoodle doodle do do do

Fadoodle doodle do do do

But I admit, it's music.

It's just music

that I don't want to hear.

And it's very difficult to

avoid. It's f***ing everywhere.

It's in the hotel lobbies.

It's in the elevators.

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