Cooties Page #3

Or maybe we were monkey people

who sat around

Crappin' in each other's mouths

until one day we were like,

"I don't like all this hair.

Just on my head and crotch,

please."

Who can say?

I can't

because the state of Illinois

Doesn't allow me to, hank.

I know I'm the substitute,

but I'm also a friend.

It wasn't so long ago

that I was sitting exactly where

You are.

In fact, don't tell

those other teachers,

But I want you to call me

by my first name.

C*nt?

What?

No, you... You can't say...

Okay, no, uh, my name is Clint.

You know what?

Just call me Mr. Hadson.

Now, I'm not really a teacher.

I'm only substituting

to pay the bills.

I'm actually writing

a horror novel.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, real cool, a**hole.

Excuse me.

What's your name?

Patriot.

He got held back.

Shut up!

Your name is patriot?

That's right.

I was born on September 11th.

God sent me on that day.

That's why, on my 18th birthday,

I'm joining the marines, just

To kick some towel-Head ass.

Wow, a lot to unpack there.

First off, could you keep

the language down, please,

Patriot?

Otherwise I'll send you outside.

Yeah, while you were just

talking, I just looked at,

Like, a hundred vaginas.

All right.

Give me that.

Why?

Because you're not allowed

to have it.

Your principal told me.

How about I start crying

and then suggest to my parents

About how you touched me

inappropriately?

You didn't happen to write

something on a Prius

This morning, did you?

So I actually have

the first draft of my new novel

Who would like to come up here

and read the first chapter

And then you guys can give me

some notes.

Great. What's your name?

Douche.

Calvin.

Calvin, come on down.

Go ahead.

Trent always loved boats.

But when he spent his

life savings on the Anna Marie,

He didn't know he just chartered

a course to evil."

"It was an easy money

Transaction"...

you'd be good in a horror novel.

"And didn't ask any

questions"...

hey.

You listening to me?

Ow!

All right,

Everyone, calm down.

I'm gonna take patriot

to the nurse's office.

Come on.

Come on.

Don't be a baby.

Come on, patriot, let me see.

Come on.

This is going to need

There's nothing I can do

about it here.

He's gonna have to go

to the hospital.

That's okay.

Patriot can handle it.

Right, patriot?

You're a marine.

Beautiful, beautiful

'Shrooms.

So one of my students tried

to eat another one's face off.

How's your day going?

I'm... I'm really sorry

about this morning.

What happened?

I... When I called

your boyfriend a dick.

I didn't know you guys were

dating and... And now I feel

Really awkward.

No, in your classroom,

what happened?

Oh, this girl

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