Synopsis: COOTIES is a horror comedy with unexpected laughs and unapologetic thrills. When a cafeteria food virus turns elementary school children into killer zombies, a group of misfit teachers must band together to escape the playground carnage. The film stars Elijah Wood (The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings), Rainn Wilson ("The Office"), and Alison Pill ("The Newsroom") as teachers who fight to survive the mayhem while hilariously bickering in an uncomfortable love triangle on the worst Monday of their lives.
Genre: Action, Comedy, Horror
Production: Lionsgate Premiere
  1 win & 4 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
88 min


It's a beautiful summer day

Temperatures expected to reach

the upper 80s.

In recent news,

a health advisory was reported

From happy poultry farms.

Now, they're telling us that

they're issuing a full recall

For their precooked

chicken tenders

And also their buffalo chicken


Now, this only applies

to the chicken

That was packaged on Friday

and delivered to suburbs

Such as fort chicken

and Danville.

- Happy poultry advises...

- Morning, honey.

Rise and shine.

Morning, mom.

How's the book going?


I've been working really

hard on it...

Rewriting it.

It's a first draft, you know?

Did you get a chance

to read the manuscript?

I did, and I loved it.

Oh, well, any thoughts?



I thought it was wonderful.

I'm not gonna become

a better writer if I don't get

Constructive criticism.

Please, I'm begging you.

Well, um...

I did think the characters were

a tiny bit unlikable.

That's more like it.


I found myself a little bored

to be honest.

And I heart honesty.

I also didn't know what was

going on and where we were.

It wasn't explained very well.

Frankly, I couldn't figure out

the plot.

It was kind of insulting,

and there was no specificity

In the writing

in terms of time and place.


And where was

the inciting incident?

Okay, okay.

This is... This is... Wow!

Thank you.

But mostly I loved it.

Now, get on up and teach

those summer school kids

How to write like you.

The boat was evil,

But he loved the boat.

The boat was evil

But he didn't know

just how evil.

The boat was evil,

but it was an acceptable level

Of evil.

The seafaring vessel...

The schooner was evil.

It's getting there.


I've come full circle.

How very, very utterly


What's up, amigo?

Hey, you're not my dealer.

No. No, I'm... I'm Clint...

Hey, you don't sell 'shrooms,

Do ya?

No, um, I'm Clint Hadson.

Is that Hudson?


Yeah, it's him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So that's a no on the 'shrooms?


Excuse me!

I'm... I'm having trouble.

Don't you forget, mister,

you're grounded.

And when school's over,

you come straight home.

F*** you, mom.

Oh, yeah?

F*** you!

I'm just gonna miss you so much.

Can't I take it off?

No, the playground

is a war zone.

Watch it!

Sorry. Didn't see you there.

Well, maybe you should

take in your surroundings more.


Mr. Hudson!


Hi, uh, call me Clint.

Thanks so much for coming in

on such short notice.

Looks like Mrs. Kenner is down

with the stomach flu,

'Cause she is Mormon,

so that's always a possibility.

Principal Hadgis

is in the Bahamas,

When the cat's away,

The vice principal

becomes acting principal.

Yeah, I forgot they say that.

Teachers lounge is just

across the way, so go get

Well, it's not strong

enough for my taste.

To deal with these terrors,

I need the high-Octane stuff.

Isn't that right, Mrs. Gordon?

She's hilarious.

A lot of personal tragedy.

Come on into this office.

Pull up a ball chair.

Got a cell phone?

Um, yeah.

Afraid I'm gonna

have to take it.

Yep, this is a no

cell phone campus,

And we can't ask the kids

to give up something

So hand over that Crackberry.


Now, I gotta warn you.

I run a pretty tight ship.

Yeah, I'm fine with that.

Actually, it's... It's funny

you should say that.

I'm actually writing a book

about a ship.

Well, it's more of a boat.

I have it with me.

If you're asking me to describe

My pedagogical "philosophy"...

I'm not.

There are some

charter schools out of Boston

That are "absolutely"

"revolutionizing" education.

I'm not sure you know

how air quotes work.

I want to bring these kids

back to a pre-Digital era.

No cell phones, and I don't care

If it's raining Labradoodles,

I wanna get those kids outside

During recess.

Heck, I'll lock 'em out.

And I will do that.

Now, here's a map of the school.

Mrs. Kenner is in room 12.

Oh, I don't need that.

I actually used to go here.

Class of '88.

Hey, you know what that is?

That's out of sight.

All right.

Shouldn't joke about

guns, though.


Not in a school.


That's not funny.

Yeah, my partner's

name is David.

He is awesome.

He's a little bit older

but weirdly has

This amazing body.

If I'm being completely honest,

he does have

These fantastic balls

that I just love to play with.

They're firmer and

fuzzier, so...

tennis partner.

Dave is my tennis partner.

Hi, there.

Um, you know which one of these

is Mrs. Kenner's?

Buddy, I don't know

what that b*tch drinks out of.

Here's what I do know.

I know that this

is a rape button.

It emits a sh*t-Crazy alarm

that'll inform local police

Who arrive within two minutes

should you decide to get touchy

And/or feely.

You wanna know why I have

a rape button?

Don't answer.

Because the government

of the state of Illinois doesn't

Trust the citizenry enough

to pass safe, sensible

Conceal and carry laws.


So any of these then?

Hmm, she's a little

Tightly wound, huh?

Oh, my god.


Lucy McCormick?

It... It... It's Clint Hadson.

Oh, my god!

Wow, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm subbing

for Mrs. Kenner.

Oh, my god, amazing.

I heard you lived in new York.

Yeah, I did.

But now I'm in town for a while,

staying at Charman's.


Who's Charman?

My mom.


But it's like a guesthouse,

so it's...

so you're a teacher now?

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote

Leigh Whannell

Leigh Whannell (born 17 January 1977) is an Australian screenwriter, producer, director, and actor. He is best known for writing films directed by his friend James Wan, including Saw (2004), Dead Silence (2007), Insidious (2011), and Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013). Whannell has directed two films, Insidious: Chapter 3, released in 2015, and Upgrade, released in 2018. Whannell and Wan are the creators of the Saw franchise. Whannell wrote the first installment, co-wrote the second and third installments, was producer or executive producer for all the films, and appeared as the "Adam Stanheight" character in four of the installments. He was also the writer of the Saw video game (2009), and co-writer of the 2014 film Cooties. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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