Club Dread Page #5

Yeah, it must be tough

living in paradise.

Oh, yeah.

You love it now, but just wait.

# Crab legs, crab legs

Rah, rah, rah #

Hey, you guys ever hear the story

of the Machete Maniac?

[All]

Ooh!

[Chuckles]

Let's hear it.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's probably too scary for you guys.

- No. No, it's not.

- No, come on, Dave.

Please, tell us the story.

All right, what the hell.

This must've been, like,

We had a kid working at the club

named Phil Coletti.

And one night...

it was a night a lot like tonight...

this gorgeous woman comes

into the club, asks him if he

wants to go out to the jungle.

He's like, "Yeah. Why not?"

So they split. And as they started

getting out to the jungle...

further and further away

from the lights of the club...

she starts asking him

these questions, like...

does he believe

in the local legends of the island...

voodoo, zombies.

He's not too worried about it.

He just rolls right over,

starts putting the screws to her.

But something doesn't

feel right to Coletti.

But he can't see sh*t. It's pitch black,

so he just keeps bangin' away.

But then, boom!

A flash of lightning lights up the

whole island, and in that one moment...

Coletti looks around and sees

not only is he out in the middle

of that old Mayan cemetery...

not only are all the other guys from

the resort standing around watching him...

but he sees that

he's having sex with a corpse.

A cold, white...

- dirty-from-the-grave dead body.

- [Girl Groans]

And they say...

Phil Coletti calmly walked

to the groundskeeper's shack...

found a machete...

and chopped those staff members

into a hundred pieces.

And they say

he took that same machete...

chopped his own dick off

and ran screaming into the jungle.

Nobody ever saw him after that.

But from that point on...

Phil Coletti was forever known...

as Machete Phil.

Are you telling me there's some

totally deranged, dickless dude

running around out there?

All I 'm saying is I don't

go into the jungle alone if I can help it.

'Cause you can hear him,

and I've heard him...

crying out...

"Where's my penis?

Where's my penis?

Where's my penis?"

- And that boy was me!

- [Screaming, Laughing]

You're an a**hole,

Putman.

- Anybody get laid tonight?

- Hey, Pete.

- I know I did.

- [Laughter]

Say, anybody seen

Rolo, Stacy or Kelly?

They're probably off screwing around

in the jungle somewhere.

Well, sh*t. I'm gonna need somebody

to run Luau Night tomorrow.

Uh, yeah, sure.

I'll run Luau Night.

What, cut up a couple

of pineapples, whatever.

- Yeah, great.

Sam, will you run Luau Night?

- Sure. Can do.

We'll get some grass mini-skirts,

maybe have a poi-eating contest...

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