Chatterbox Live Page #5

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What a nice thing to do. "

And she said, "I'm sorry it's just that...

"but it's all we had in. "

I said, "Have you been looking

through your cupboards?

"It's not the f***ing Harvest festival, pet.

"You buy the ticket,

you can just come to the show. "

Which really pissed off

the woman behind her

who was standing

with a tin of f***ing peaches.

But I have developed... People call it

a muffin top if it hangs over your jeans.

A muffin top. I don't really like that name.

So I've started calling mine my cake shelf.

It's nice, though, isn't it? Cos it sounds

like a good place to keep your cake.

Somebody said to me,

"Are you pregnant?"

I said, "Only if I've been

f***ed by Mr. Kipling.

"And, yes, it was exceedingly good. "

But I'm a bit of a... a bit of a worrier.

I don't worry about age anymore.

I'm 35. I'm past caring about age.

I did worry when I was about to turn 30.

I worried about turning 30.

So I asked friends who were

also approaching their 30th

how it was going to affect them.

One guy said,

"It means I'm closer to retirement. "

Which I thought was a positive way of

looking at it.

But my favourite answer

came from a bloke who said,

"I just need to make it to 34,

and I've beaten Jesus at living. "

But I was gonna say I worry about my weight

but not enough to do anything about it yet.

Although I bought a cross trainer,

but apparently that's not enough.

Just to buy it.

Although it's in the spare room

and whenever friends stay over,

I have to move it into the hall

and then back again,

and I break a sweat and I think,

"Ooh, it's paying for itself. "

I think the problem is just the fact that

I eat whatever I like and I don't give a sh*t.

Some people who are very

similar to me in the audience.

It's probably

the longest our mouth's been open

without some f***ing food in it.

Huh!

Exactly the same as me.

It's a f***ing hobby.

I was in a restaurant with my friend,

and I said, "I like it in here

cos they've got multicolored food. "

And she said, "I think you'll find

they're called vegetables. "

But I don't worry any more

about the fact that

I can't really see my fanny.

Er...

Just the thought of my fanny or all fannies

make you feel quite sick, sir?

Is it my fanny in particular

or you're just not a big fan of fannies?

You're not a fan of fannies.

I've got some cock stuff later on.

You'll f***ing love that.

I don't need to see my fanny any more

anyway cos I've got people for that now.

Er, one person.

"People" sounds bad, doesn't it?

Well, there's two. It's a job share.

I can't see my fanny cos of my belly,

but I can't see my belly cos of my tits.

Hurray!

As long as they stay, I'm all right.

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