Chatterbox Live Page #4

---

"We've got Party Rings!"

"Oh, if you've got Party Rings,

"why don't we see if you need some

f***ing bone marrow while we're on. "

I did a show in Manchester

and a lady shouted,

"At my place, if you pretend

you don't feel very well,

"they give you a sandwich. "

"Prawn mayonnaise. "

But I, er... In this job,

I tend to travel, mostly around the UK.

I'm from a place called South Shields.

Have we got any North Easterners in?

Excellent. The loud women, hello.

No, welcome.

Thank you very much for coming.

I mean, I'm from South Shields

but I actually live in Manchester now,

and I mostly work around the UK.

Occasionally, I get to go abroad.

I went to Australia last year

for the Melbourne Comedy Festival,

which was great.

It was great until it came time

to come home.

When because of the "f***ing volcano",

got stranded for an extra week, and you find

you don't get any sympathy off your friends

if you tell 'em you are stranded for

an extra week.

My friend said, "You were stranded.

"For an extra week.

"In Australia.

"Well, boo-f***ing-hoo. "

I said, "But listen to the word that you're

using. It's 'stranded'. It's not a good word. "

You could be stranded

on the end of Brad Pitt's cock

and you'd want to go home eventually!

I mean, after a week or so, obviously.

For snacks if nothing else.

I think that explains why his girlfriends

are always so skinny.

Doesn't provide enough snacks.

But while I was in Australia, I got a call

from the fraud department

of my credit card company

inquiring why I was spending so much

on my credit card.

She said, "Can I check a couple of

transactions?" And I said, "Of course. "

The first one was a cashpoint withdrawal,

and I had withdrawn the money,

so that was all above board.

The second one, she said,

"You spent a 102 in a place called...

"Holt's. " And I went, "Oh...

"Um, yeah, er, yeah, that's right.

Er, it's a chocolate shop. "

And she went, "102!"

And I went, "Yeah, it was for presents.

"For me. "

Cos I was nowhere near Brad Pitt's cock.

I did get a nickname while I was out there.

I've never had a nickname before.

I've been called things

but that's different, isn't it?

I think that's bullying.

My nickname is The Cake Pigeon.

Cos whenever I walk past a cake shop...

Walk past.

Whenever I press myself

up against a cake shop,

I go...

And because I talk about cakes on stage,

sometimes people bring

cakes to shows for me,

which is lovely but can

sometimes be a little bit weird.

Some lady came up to me

a few months ago at the end of the show,

she handed me a small fruitcake

and said, "This is for you. "

And I said, "That's lovely. Thank you.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes