Chatterbox Live Page #6

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If they go, I'm f***ed.

Well, probably less so.

I started buying women's magazines. I

bought one recently, cos on the front cover

it said that some female celebrities had put

weight on and they were now curvaceous.

I thought, "Let's have a look

and see how curvaceous they are. "

So I flicked through and the fattest woman

in there, it said that she had "ballooned".

I repeat, she had "ballooned"

to a size 12.

Size 12. I'd give my right arm

to be a size 12.

My right arm might be a size 12!

But in a moment of stupidity,

I was letting it toy with me...

be getting myself some thigh-high boots

and sort of fishing for a compliment,

I said to my sister, "Where would I get

thigh-high boots that would fit my thighs?"

And she said, "Well, trannies

must get them from somewhere. "

I've discovered the most horrific way

you know you've put weight on.

I don't think this is commonly known

so I feel like I should spread the word.

This happened to me in January,

and it is genuinely upsetting.

Where my boyfriend lives

is a block of flats.

Round the back of the block of flats

is a car park.

In order to get into the car park,

you have to go through a barrier

like an arm that lifts up...

when it senses a car is near.

I mean, I was carrying

two big bags of shopping,

but it still thought I was a Peugeot 206.

But a friend of mine...

Actually, I'm not going to call him that.

It's not appropriate.

I'll call him a male acquaintance.

Let's do that.

A male acquaintance of mine

with whom I have never had a dalliance...

said to me, "You know what,

if you lost a couple of stone... "

I said, "The rest of this better be

a f***ing equation. "

"If you lost a couple of stone,

we could probably go out. "

I said, "Only if the couple of stone I lost

was me f***ing head. "

I was on holiday

with my boyfriend last year

and he lifted me up,

like in a romantic fashion.

And put me down again, obviously.

Um, in a different place.

Otherwise that would just be weird,

wouldn't it?

Play the guess the weight of the lady stall

at the fairground.

"Too f***ing much!"

And when he put me back down, cos

I'd been reading Jane Austen on holiday,

I came over all sort of...

Like I needed a fan.

And I said, "Was I, er... Was I very heavy?"

And he's supposed to follow the lead

and say something along the lines of

"Why, you weighed

no more than a dry leaf. "

Well, he didn't.

He went "Manageable".

But I found recently

that I'm not very good at relaxing.

I get... I get quite wound up.

I'm on the go all the time.

I'm a bit of a workaholic, to be honest.

And when I get in from work,

wherever I've been,

I'm rubbish at that winding down bit

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