Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy Page #5

---

Do you know

what I went through to get here?

You leaped a bunch of mushrooms,

I'm so impressed.

Well, you're the one

who got captured by mushrooms.

-How the f*** does that even happen?

-Don't turn this around. Don't flip this.

You got kidnapped by something

that goes on a salad.

-Hey, it's a little more complicated.

-And by the way, by the way,

I did not just leap a bunch of mushrooms.

There were also these turtle-shelled things

I had to jump over,

and that was really hard.

And the only help I got

was every once in a while,

a gold star would appear up above me,

and I would jump up and touch it

and it would go...

(Vocalizing)

And that would help a little bit,

and l'd feel a little better,

but it was hard.

The whole thing was really hard.

-I'm not kissing you.

-Okay, f*** this. F*** it.

Hey, dragon. You can have her.

Michael, this isn't going to be easy,

but you're a grown man now

and your mother and I feel

you deserve to know the truth.

-l don't understand, Dad.

-Michael, you're not our biological son.

(GASPS)

-What?

-You were adopted.

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

Your mother and I felt

it was wrong to conceive a new child

with so many unwanted children

in the world already.

Baby, we're sorry

we didn't tell you sooner. We just...

We wanted to wait until you were mature

and able to handle the knowledge.

Oh, my gosh. My head is spinning.

To be honest, we were always afraid

you'd figure it out for yourself,

based on little obvious things.

I mean, we all have such dark hair,

and your hair is blond.

The rest of the family has brown eyes

and yours are blue.

And as your fair complexion... I mean,

none of us have freckles like you do.

That's right. And you're a good deal taller

than either your mother or l,

and your nipples don't stick out 5 feet

in front of you like the rest of the family.

But we always loved you

as if you were our very own,

-and we still do, Michael.

-Actually, that's another thing, your name.

-What about my name?

-Your real name isn't Michael Sticknipples.

-It's not?

-No.

Your birth name is Albert Shitsneeze.

-This is so much to process.

-l know. I know it is, dear.

-We understand if you're upset with us.

-No, I'm not. I mean,

I don't know. Maybe a little.

I just... I don't really understand.

(SNEEZES)

I don't understand why you felt

like I wouldn't be able to handle this.

I mean, I love you guys. You raised me.

As far as I'm concerned,

you're my parents.

Albert, we love you, too.

-Do I have a middle name?

-Yes, you're Albert Horsefeet Shitsneeze.

(Neighing)

Hey, you know, being out on this ocean

reminds me

of when we were filming U-571.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes