Bubba Ho-Tep Page #5

on the souls of the living

and if the souls are small,

his life force doesn't last long.

Small? What does that mean?

Read on. No, never mind.

I'll tell you myseIf.

But first, would you like a Ding Dong?

I don't mean mine.

I mean a chocolate Ding Dong.

Course, mine would be chocolate

now that I have been dyed.

- You got Ding Dongs, man?

- Mm.

- I got Paydays and a box of Baby Ruths.

- Oh, mama.

Which will it be? Let's get decadent.

- I'll take a Baby Ruth.

- Mm.

All right.

Now... small souls...

are those that don't have much fire for life.

You know a place like that?

Man, if souls were fires

they couldn't burn lower than in here.

Exactamundo.

What we have here at Shady Rest

is an Egyptian soul-sucker of some sort.

A mummy hiding out,

coming in here, feeding on the sleeping.

It's perfect, you see?

We're small souls,

so we can't provide that much.

But if that thing comes back

two or three times in a row

and wraps his lips

around some elder's a**hole,

that elder is going to die pretty soon,

and who will be the wiser?

Aah!

A**hole!

A mummy can't be getting

too much energy from this -

not like the big souls -

but the prey is easy.

And with new people coming in, he can

keep this up forever, this soul robbery.

That's what they brought us here for -

to get us out of the way until we die -

and those who don't die first from

disease or just plain being old, he gets.

That's all well and good, Jack,

but there's one thing that still throws me.

How does an Ancient Egyptian

wind up in a Texas rest-home

and why is he writing

on the shithouse walls?

Well, he went in to take a crap,

got bored, started writing on the walls.

He probably wrote on pyramid walls

centuries ago.

Come on, man. What would he crap?

He hadn't eat...

Well, he eats souls, so I assume

that he would crap soul residue.

By that, I mean that if you die

from his mouth,

you don't go to the other side

where souls go,

he digests souls

until they don't exist any more.

And you're just

so much toilet water decoration.

Uh-huh. And speaking of toilets,

this is how I figured that whole thing out.

He's like anybody else

when it comes to taking a dump.

He wants a nice clean place

with a flush. He didn't have that in his time.

No, no. Don't go out in the hall.

- It's all right, man. I'm not asleep.

- That don't mean he won't hurt you.

Oh, he, my ass!

There isn't any mummy from Egypt.

Nice knowing you, Elvis.

A**hole. A**hole.

A**hole! A**hole!

A**hole.

Ass...

Aah!

'Kemosabe was dead of a ruptured

heart before he hit the floor.

'Gone down and out

with both guns blazing.

'Soul intact.

'Once again, we got scolded.

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