Bob the Butler Page #3

- I'd invite you up

- I know, the children will up

as usual.

[Anne laughing]

- Omigod!

- What? What's wrong?

- The children's lights are all out!

What's wrong?

- Nothin'.

They've been good as gold.

- Oh, cut the BS.

What, are they bound and gagged

somewhere?

- You really should be congratulated,

ma'am,

on raising

such wondrous progeny.

Can I go now?

- Uh, normally, they're, uh...

a pain in the derriere.

I think here you say "brats."

- Well, I never say "brats."

- Well, I don't know

what you did,

but I'm impressed.

Jacques, will you pay Bob for me?

- Of course!

[Chortling]

I'm, uh...

tipping you

very generously here.

I want you to know why.

Tonight, with the kids in bed,

all night,

I get to do

what Frenchmen love to do most...

- You gonna look in the mirror

for eight hours?

Thanks, Jack.

- This moming,

those of us that remain

will address the basic skills required

for a typical day,

starting with undressing the master.

Now, I shall need a volunteer.

Mr. Tree, if you please.

Jacket.

Tie.

Waistcoat. The vest, to you.

Shirt.

- Ah, come on,

haven't you got some kind of dummy?

- Dear boy, if you intend

to be a butler, you better get used

to naked old flesh.

- You sure this isn't a British thing?

I mean, most Americans

know how to dress themselves.

- On the contrary.

We are here to educate them

to do it better.

And to dress for the right occasion.

- Whoa!

Yo, I'm outta here.

- Well, Bob,

you seem to be

the last one left.

- Mr. Butler,

I don't really know

if this is necessary.

I mean... I'll give 100 bucks

if you leave the rest on.

One-hundred and fifty.

A thousand!

Please stop there.

- Right.

Mr. Tree, let's get cracking, then.

Dress me.

[Door chiming]

- Bob, no! Nuh-uh.

- It's okay.

It's okay, Nico.

I don't wanna work here.

I can't stand the sight of blood.

All that screaming.

- You took the guy's earlobe off.

- Not on purpose.

Ah!

- You used to work here?

- Of course I used to work here.

"Barber" comes before "butler"

in the Yellow Pages.

- So how do you like it?

- Neat and tidy.

- As the man says.

- No beard.

- No beard?

- Butlers don't have beards.

- Butlers wear beards.

- No beard.

- Abit of beard.

- No beard at all.

- Itty-bit of beard?

- No beard whatever.

- Itsy-bit of beard?

- No.

Not even a little bitty-bitty-bitty-

weeny-bitty beard.

- Itty-bit of butler beard?

- Beardless.

- Itty-bit of butler beard?

- No beard!

- Itty-bit of butler beard,

itty-bit of butler beard,

itty-bit of butler bear.

Settled.

- So?

- Well, pretty much as it is.

- What do you expect to do, Bob,

if this doesn't work out?

- I'll probably move on

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