Bloodsucking Bastards Page #3

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I'm still working on

the inflection but...

-Ted's office in 10.

-It's a catchphrase.

I feel like everyone

needs one in the office.

-That's why...

-Yeah, it's good though.

Yeah. We really need to start

bringing fruit into this.

-We can eat it.

-I'm not ready for fruit.

Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.

Uh, sorry. Sorry to bother you,

but Ted wants everyone

in his office.

He's got an announcement

to make, I guess.

-Okay, got it.

-Okay.

I think he's gonna make me

sales manager.

-Is that so?

-Yeah.

Finally get that promotion.

It's kinda crazy.

I can't believe it.

It is so adult.

Manager, you know?

I feel like it was just,

you know,

yesterday when we were kids,

just laughing

and just saying stupid stuff.

And now,

we're looking after the kids.

Right? You know, I was listening

to NPR this morning.

They were talking about

the monogamy of gibbons,

and it's just the cutest thing

I've ever seen.

Or heard. It was on the radio,

but they had these sound bites,

you know? They're

a little chirping, you know.

These sweet monkey nothings--

Evan. I have some things to do.

-So if you'll excuse me.

-Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.

-Uh, check in five.

-Right.

So, I'm sorry to say

without major improvements,

we're gonna have to start

laying some people off.

Mike!

It's time for a change.

Corporate thinks we need

an official sales manager again.

And I couldn't agree more.

So I'm proud to announce

our new manager of sales,

Max Phillips.

-No, no, no. Not Max.

-Who the hell is Max?

What the hell is

going on right now?

Max, Evan and I

went to college together.

It's kind of a long story.

- Hey, Evan.

- -Sup?

-That wasn't a long story.

-No.

Oh, did I mention that Max

slept with Evan's girlfriend,

so Evan had Max kicked out

of school for cheating,

so Max punched Evan in the face?

No. You skipped all that.

Question.

-What do we sell here?

-Shake weights.

-Power mustaches.

-The Abinatrix.

No, Michael. We sell dreams.

He knows my name.

Sales is... seduction.

And when you seduce,

do you say, "I have a 401k"?

Or "I floss"? No.

You say...

"I love you."

Because people make

decisions from the heart.

If you wanna sell

a bunch of useless crap

to fat losers in Alabama

and bored housewives in Iowa,

feed their dreams.

Convince them.

Their lives can transcend the

pointless slog of being human.

Give them hope, open their eyes

to something... bigger.

Sink your teeth

into their poor pathetic lives.

And give them life.

And better abs.

Our goal for this month is...

one million dollars in sales.

It's aggressive, yes,

but I'm confident we can hit it.

And if we don't, Ted and I

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