Bloodsucking Bastards

Synopsis: An action-packed horror comedy, BLOODSUCKING BASTARDS stars Fran Kranz as Evan, a dutiful and overworked employee stuck at a soul-killing corporation with his beautiful co-worker and girlfriend Amanda (Emma Fitzpatrick) and his slacker best friend Tim (Joey Kern). Evans world begins to crumble when Amanda dumps him and his boss Ted (Joel Murray) hands his coveted promotion to his nemesis Max (Pedro Pascal). When his office mates start going through disturbing changes, Evan must find a way to stop the evil brewing amidst the cubicles, and rescue his workplace pals before his life and career go from dead-end... to just dead.
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Production: Shout Factory
  10 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
86 min

Well, this is pretty much

the grossest thing I've seen.

No, ma'am. It's actually

a lot better than that.

Let me, let me pull something up

on my computer really fast.

Oh, there it is.

Um, did you know that

nine out of ten doctors

recommend this

as the only way to quit smoking?

Can you hold on a second?

F*ck you! F*ck!

F*ck you. F*ck you, fucker.

-Hey, Tim.

-Oh, hey, Evan.

Have you guys put together

the numbers

for Friday's presentation yet?

What presentation?


Phallusite presentation.

Oh, is that the

bigger dick thing pill--

-Natural male enhancement, yeah.


-Does that thing even work?

-It totally works.

-Heard it turns your junk green.

-It still works.

Doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter if it works.

All that matters is that

we land the account, all right?

And then I can remove "acting"

from acting sales manager.

Hmm, well, I'm on it, man.

-You can count on me.

-Thank you.

Pick it up. Pick up the gun.

-They never...



-I'm on a sales call.

Ma'am, listen,

if you're not gonna buy this--

-You're gonna die.


Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.

You, too? Mike, get to work.

-You owe me 50 bucks.


Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?

Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,

but you wouldn't happen to have

that $20 you owe me for the NCAA

tournament pool, would you?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.

It's been such a bear

collecting from people.

Kinda short on cash this month.

My cat has a cleft palate

he needs surgery for.

He's constantly lapping milk

into his eyes.

It's really tragic.

Okay, bada-bada-bada...

That's baseball, dumb ass.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I f*ck up the rules

of this incredibly well-defined

and professional sport

that we just came up with?

Yeah, I'm just saying that this

is clearly a basketball throw.

Okay, but I'm sure

someone has thrown a baseball--

Yeah, nobody has ever

thrown a baseball.

-In the history of baseball--

-No adult male has.

In the history of baseball,

major league baseball...

-Uh, can I help you?

-Yes, thank you, actually.

I'm supposed to be working

with Evan Sanders today.

-Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.

-It's 10:

Look, look, you can

actually see it vibrate.

Of course, because there's

more than one element.

So is Evan here

or should I grab a cubicle--

You'll know when

he gets here, okay?

He'll start

bugging you for shit.

Now, if you need something

to do, you can get me coffee.

-Aren't you already drinking--

-Hey, sport.

You see that garbage over there?

Grab it and throw it

in the dumpster in the garage.

Don't we have a good janitor

who can do that?

Yeah, well, his time's valuable.


-All right.


Don't waste those.

Five-five. This is it.

-That's the one.

-This is the one.

-I can feel it.

-All right.


Identify yourself, soldier.

Oh, uh, I'm Jack,

the new intern.

I'm just taking out the trash.

-Don't we have a janitor?

-You do.



Follow protocol.

It's my first day.

Thanks for pitching in.

-Screws up his equilibrium.

-What's up, dildos?

Hey there, Andrew.

Sorry to be a Pokety Paul,

but you wouldn't happen to have

that money you owe me

for the NCAA pool, do you?

-Didn't I lose that thing?

-It's not about that.

It's about office fun.

My cat's got a cleft palate, is

allergic to some types of air.

-Hey, Mike.

-F*ck off!

All right. A little early

for that kind of language,

but tomorrow works

for me too, buddy.

-All right, well, see you.

-See you, Dave.

Real nice, guys.

No one pays Dave, he's gonna

stop running the pools.

No, he's not. It's the only way

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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