Blackadder Back & Forth Page #5

with wild goats nesting in their

huge orange beards,

or to put it another way,

the Scots.

And how does our

inspired leader Hadrian

intend to keep out

this vast army of lunatics?

By building a 3 foot-high wall.

A terrifying obstacle,

about as frightening

as a little rabbit with the word

"Boo" painted on its nose.

Oh, come now, centurion,

I won't have that.

This wall is a terrific

defence mechanism.

You're surely not suggesting

a rabble of Scots

could get the better

of Roman soldiers.

- Welcome, General.

- Splendid.

Good to see you practising

your English, Georgius.

- Did you hear that, Balders?

- I certainly did, Centurion.

Back to Rome, at last.

I say, this is interesting.

There appears to be a large

orange hedge moving towards us.

Oh, that's not a hedge, Consul.

That's the Scots.

- Shall we run, my Lord?

- Yes.

Perhaps we could negotiate.

Last one there gets hacked to pieces

by Rod Stewart's great grandfather!

- Let's get home, Baldrick.

- But we don't know where home is.

We're doomed to float though time

for all time.

Oh, woe is me!

Shut up. There is one final thing

to push which may be our salvation.

Or not.

Because it is in fact, a lollipop.

- Raspberry flavoured, my Lord.

- Oh, God.

I'm going to spend the rest

of my life in a small wooden room

with two toilets,

and the stupidest man in the worid.

Wait, my Lord. Don't despair,

for I have a cunning plan.

- I'm not optimistic, Baldrick.

- To be quite frank, my Lord,

neither am I, my family have

never been very good at plans.

So, with suitably low expectations,

what is your cunning plan?

Well, you know are when people drown,

their life flashes in front of them?

Yes...

Well, if you stuck your head

in a bucket of water,

and didn't bring it out again,

then your whole life

would flash in front of you,

and you'd see where all the knobs

and levers were when we set off.

Then, if you pulled

your head out again

just before you died,

you could guide us home.

- Baldrick.

- My Lord,

Good plan, with perhaps just

one tiny modification.

- How's it going?

- I'm 18 years old,

- I've just left nursery school.

- Okey dokey.

I'm 25,

I'm back at nursery school.

- Got it!

- Very good.

But I wish

I'd flushed the loo first.

Oh, yeah.

As we approach the end, my Lord,

what do you think we've

learnt on our great journey?

Good question, Baldrick.

I suppose I've learned that I must

buy you a stronger mouthwash

for Christmas. How about you?

Oh, I don't know.

I suppose I've learnt that humans

have always been the same,

some nice, some nasty,

some clever, some stupid,

there's always a Blackadder,

and there's always a Baldrick.

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