Beautiful Thing Page #4

You shouldn't use words like bird.

You wanna watch yourself.

Sandra's got a reputation.

I'm saying nothing.

Anyone got a match?

Yeah, my arse your face.

Your arse ain't that nice, love.

Oh, grow up.

Oi! Linda Lusardi!

Get in here and cover yourself up!

Get us me ball back!

Get it yourself!

You okay today, Ste?

Yeah

I went to have a look at a new school today.

There's only twenty kids in the whole place.

There'll be twenty-two if you go.

You and Mama Cass.

-Is it residential?

-No.

Shame.

Coulda given you an 'and packing.

Coulda packed that fat b*tch

and her music an'all.

You shouldn't speak ill of the dead!

Ere, shame how she died.

-How did she die?

-Choking on a sandwich!

Now you know why I tell you

not to gobble your chips down.

-Wasn't she heavily into drugs?

-Was she?

Well, if you're that fat,

drugs are a happy release.

She mighta been happy being fat!!

If she was so happy being fat, Jamie,

why did she die choking on a sandwich? Eh?

Why wasn't it a walloping

great fry-up or somin'?

It mighta been a

bacon and egg sandwich.

No, it's coming to me now,

it was beef or chicken,

somin' definitely low in cholesterol.

-Hark at her, the fountain of all knowledge.

-Yeah, well

When you can keep up with the questions on

Bob's Full House you can get back to me, all right?

-I'm more of a Mastermind man.

-Liar!

Anyone see University Challenge

last week?

Me neither.

Tony, crack me open another one.

I fancy somin' wet dribbling down the back o'me gullet.

Whaddya say?

I say ditto, right.

You can say whatever you want, love.

Better in than out, d'you know what I mean?

-Oh, shut up!

-Oi! Manners!

-Me mother never taught me none.

-He makes me die, he does.

That is the intention.

Oh! I bet you don't speak like that

to your ole man, eh, Ste?

I don't speak. Full stop.

Oh, no offence, Ste.

D'you know what I mean?

-Mum!

-I gotta get in.

-You do that, Ste.

-Going boxing with me dad later.

What, can't enough of it, eh, Ste?

Nah. Spectating.

Weren't so funny when that bloke o'yours

beat you up, was it?

Oh, you're so clever,

aren't you?

Well, just remember, you,

I give you them brains, so think on.

I always thought

you'd had a lobotomy.

-What did he say?

-Explain it to her, Tony!

-Lobotomy? It's when you split your...

-Yes!I know what it means, Tony!

I work all the hours God sends

just to keep you in insults.

If this was my pub

I'd have you barred.

Well, go on then. Bar me, kick me out.

You wouldn't dare!

Oh, look at you.

Butter wouldn't melt.

But that's all right, Jamie.

I've got your number.

You got my number?

Well, I've got yours, Sandra.

So why don't you try and be

a bit more like a mother to me?

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