Bastard Page #3

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You're damn straight I did.

I can't be taking all this

up and down sh*t, Michael.

Do you even know what this is doing to me?

Well, call the cops. I don't care.

Very funny.

Here.

What's this for?

You sh*t in the backyard

last night, Michael.

A-And you called it...

"liberating Liberace."

- You love my humor.

- Not when it smells like spoiled Brie.

Listen.

(SIGHS)

I love you, Michael.

I love you too.

- Which is why...

- Uh, look, I-I'll... pull myself together.

Which is why I...

I don't think this is gonna work out.

You're obviously...

You're obviously

going through something.

Then let's sit down

and talk each other through it.

Help each other out, like good couples do.

I want to, but...

I don't think you're ready for

a relationship right now.

And...

you drink a lot.

I mean, a lot, Michael.

You f***ing sh*t in the backyard!

Okay.

- Michael.

- I said okay.

(MUTTERS)

F***.

What do you mean, there's no gig?

I'm... W-We don't have live music here.

I mean, we got a jukebox. Right there.

This has to be some cruel joke.

The only reason that we are here...

instead of Hawaii

or some bullshit Alaskan cruise...

is the chance to play, right?

Right?

Yeah. Yeah, look.

I mean, I called Cortland.

They said we could

play our music here on the 17th.

- That's tomorrow.

- Yeah.

I... I mean, this is Cortland Bar.

But there's also, uh, Cortland Liquor,

which is the liquor shop...

and Cortland Thrift,

which is also... it's the thrift shop.

Uh, Cortland High, the high school...

The high school! The high school

is having their talent show.

Tomorrow night.

You booked us...

a f***ing high school

talent show?

Babe, I didn't...

A f***ing high school talent show...

for our honeymoon.

Are you f***ing retarded?

Hannah, I'm sorry.

Okay, look,

we don't have to go. All right?

We can still enjoy all of this. Right?

All of this.

Whatever this is.

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you

know a place we can stay for the night?

And you really shouldn't say "retard."

That's not cool.

Uh, we don't really have

hotels around here.

But there is a bed and breakfast

up the mountain a bit.

- (BUZZING) - (JUKEBOX)

Sober night

(UKULELE STRUMMING)

(CONTINUES)

Great. Uh, how do we get there?

Looks like we'll be riding with you

a little bit longer.

You guys are really gonna like this place.

It's really, really nice.

So, you're gonna head up this way

about two miles...

you take a left on Shitstain Road.

(LAUGHS)

And at the end is the B and B

just past the lake.

You guys have a road called Shitstain?

Yeah, it doesn't really have a name.

But it's all dirt and it looks like sh*t,

so... Yeah.

Wonderful.

Let's go get shitty.

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