Bad Santa Page #4

Not a big talker.

No, not really.

-Buy you one?|-Why not?

Happy New Year.

You're pretty regular|for a Santa.

It's not that big|a f***ing deal.

It's just a job,|you know what I mean?

I'm an eating, drinking,|shitting, f***ing Santy Claus.

Prove it.

F*** me, Santa.|F*** me, Santa.

F*** me, Santa. F*** me, Santa.|F*** me, Santa. F*** me, Santa.

F*** me, Santa.|F*** me, Santa!

Can't I at least take|this hat off?

No. I love the hat.

Okay.

Whoo!

I've always had a thing|for Santa Claus.

In case you didn't notice.

It's like some deep-seated|childhood thing.

So is my thing for tits.

Yeah.|It is like that, though.

From when you're a kid.

'Cause my dad was Jewish,|and we didn't have Christmas.

So it was like|this forbidden thing.

So...

I like you.

Don't mothball that suit.

What the f***?

I am not gay.

-What the hell, buddy?|-Buddy?

I said I am not gay.

Are you off your f***ing meds|or something?

Yes.

But that isn't|what this is about.

You're as queer as a $10 bill.

Let me tell you something,|motherf***er.

My brother lost a goddamn arm|fighting you f***ers in Vietnam.

So I want you to look at my face|one last f***ing time.

This is the last thing you're|ever gonna see before I --

Elf f***er!

-Motherf***er!|-Turn around, elf f***er.

Who's the b*tch now,|Santy Claus? Huh?

Faggy Claus!|Faggy!

Leave Santa alone!

Little boy, don't interfere.|I am doing this for all of us.

Leave Santa alone!

Ass clown.

Hey, you're that kid.

What the f*** are you|doing here?

This one f***ing time|I take you home, okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm not your f***ing dada.

Uh-huh.

It's not like you helped me|with that nutjob or anything.

-Uh-huh.|-You're the right height.

You're right there|to grab his balls.

-You could twist them.|-Why do you need a car?

-What?|-This car.

Which turn is it?

Sage Terrace.|Where's your sleigh?

It's in the shop,|getting repaired.

-Where are the reindeer?|-I stabled them.

Is it left or right?

That way.

Where's the stable?

-Next to the shop.|-How do they sleep?

Who? The reindeer?|Standing up.

But the noise.|How do they sleep?

-What noise?|-From the shop.

They only work during the day,|all right?

I thought it was always night|at the North Pole.

Well, not now.|Right now it's always day.

Then how do they sleep?

-Oh, sh*t. Sage Terrace.

What is it with you? Somebody|drop you on your f***ing head?

On my head?

Are they gonna drop you|on somebody else's head?

How can they drop me|onto my own head?

No, not onto your...|Would...

God damn it!|Are you f***ing with me?

Okay.|Which house is it?

That one.

With Jesus and his family|there or what?

No.|The one beside that.

-Right here?|-Yeah. That one.

All right.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes