Bad Santa

Synopsis: Willie T. Stokes is a convicted con man who's led a miserable life. He drinks heavily and constantly embarrasses himself publicly. He only works once a year dressed as Santa. But then come Christmas Eve, he and his pint-sized helper dwarf Marcus stage elaborate robberies and take their department stores for everything they got. This year, they hit a mall in suburban Phoenix, Arizona. This time around, Willie gets distracted by having sex with large women, a bartender who is attracted to Santas, and a kid who's convinced he's the real deal. However, this time around Marcus must once again put up with Willie's heavy drinking and a series of incidents that constantly shoot themselves in the foot. Not to mention a nosy department store security guard who's onto them and wants his cut of the loot. Will Willie and Marcus make it to next Christmas? Or will this be the year the dynamic duo finally face justice?
Genre: Comedy, Crime, Drama
Director(s): Terry Zwigoff
Production: Miramax Films
  Nominated for 1 Golden Globe. Another 1 win & 11 nominations.
 
IMDB:
7.1
Metacritic:
70
Rotten Tomatoes:
78%
R
Year:
2003
91 min
Website
1,081 Views


Hey, can I get another drink|down here?

I've been to prison once.

I've been married twice.

I was once drafted by|Lyndon Johnson and had to live

in sh*t-ass Mexico for two|and a half years for no reason.

I've had my eye socket|punched in, a kidney taken out,

and I got a bone chip in my|ankle that's never gonna heal.

I've seen some pretty shitty|situations in my life.

But nothing has ever sucked|more ass than this.

If I'd known I was gonna have to|put up with screaming brats

pissing on my lap for 30 days|out of the year,

I would have killed myself|a long time ago.

Come to think of it,|I still might.

Where I come from,|we didn't celebrate Christmas.

Not because we were Jewish,|but because my dad

was a worthless-coward f***ing|a**hole whose idea of a present

was a daily punch|to the back of the head.

He did teach me|how to crack a safe, though.

My dad never did sh*t with his|life, so he took it out on me.

You could say I'm no different.|I'd have to say you were right.

But at this point,|it's too late to start over.

Funny how things work out.

It's f***ing hilarious.

There's Santa Claus.|Look there.

Wow.

Oh, my.|What a darling photo.

Are you certain you only want|the single?

Additional photos come in handy|as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa

or as a wonderful remembrance|for friends.

Gee.|You know what?

This one, I think it's more|than enough.

Thanks.|Merry Christmas.

So, what do you want,|little girl?

A drum set.

Oh, the old man will love that.

Okay. Fine.|See you later.

I saw you at another mall.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

You're not really Santa.

If you were Santa,|you could do magic.

You want to see some magic?

Here.|Let's watch you disappear.

Watch the bladder, kid.|Santa's got to pee.

-What do you want?|-A new bike.

Wow. That's a new one.|Excellent.

Attention, shoppers.

The store will be closing|in five minutes.

We hope tomorrow is|a pleasant Christmas.

Thank you for shopping with us.

-Is that it?|-Yeah, that's the last one.

Thank the f*** Christ.

Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.

You pissed yourself.

Aw, Jesus.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Hey, happy holidays.|All right.

Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Get home safe.

Yeah, okay.

I don't care what he says.

-We're going out for a beer.|-What the f***?

I'll get right back to you.

What the hell's wrong with you?|I'm trying to f***ing leave.

Pants are awful baggy.

You got anything in there?

Yeah. My dick.|You want to see it?

Keep pushing me.

I got my eyes on you.

All the time.

Ready.

Jesus.

-How's it going?|-I'm finished when I'm finished.

I'm going back upstairs.

I need a melon baller|and a loofah.

Got it.

F*** the loofah.|Let's go.

Marcus, you get the loofah?

Drive.

Oh!

jingle bell rock

in jingle bell time

Oh, I'm dizzy.|Put me down.

Hey, put me down.

Come on!|Put me down.

Oh, come on.

Oh, man.

Hey, baby, two more of these,|all right?

No.|That's it for me.

You can't drink worth a sh*t,|you know that?

I weigh 92 pounds, you dick.

Come on. One more.|It's a celebration.

Here's to you.

To have the blues

My baby's gone

You're getting worse,|you know that?

Well, at least I got it open.

It took you long enough.

I remember when you could unlock|a lock like it was nothing.

Yeah, well, you don't have to|worry about me anymore.

I'm out.

Bullshit.

Bullshit, my ass.

We just made $111,000|in one night.

Exactly. I figure I got enough|to go to Miami.

And do what?

I don't know. Sh*t.|Get a car.

Get a place, maybe.

Maybe start a business.|A bar out on the beach.

Something like that.

I could quit drinking|and run the place.

Maybe marry a waitress.

What?

You ain't gonna do sh*t|except go down there

and drink your f***ing ass off.

You're gonna piss|everything away

and end up counting the days|till next Christmas.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Well, it ain't gonna happen.

If I call you next December --

if I call you next December --

you're gonna be so happy|to hear from me

you're gonna do|a goddamn backflip.

You're gonna put|that Santa hat on so fast

that you're gonna get|f***ing hat-burn.

Can I get you guys two more?

No, thanks.|We're all right.

See?

I'm already on the wagon.

Hey. A**hole!

How many times|I got to tell you?

Get out from behind my bar!

Put the drink down right now.

Put the drink down right now!

Ahh.|F*** you.

-F*** me, huh?|-Right.

Oh. Hey!

Ow!

Get the f*** out of my bar.

F*** you!

You're f***ing crazy.

F***ing prick.

A**hole!

Get the f*** out of here|right now!

jolly Christmas

And in case you didn't hear

have a holly jolly --

F***ing sh*t!

F*** you!

F*** you!

F*** you!

Yeah, baby.

Hey, Tiffany, you want to play|"Hide the Nazi" one day?

God damn it.

Here you go, sweetie.

I got something|for your pretty ass.

-You do?|-Yeah.

Wow. $5.

Thanks.

I gotta listen to my messages,|and you need to take a shower.

I'm a dancer.|I sweat.

Yeah, well, you smell like|a bum's nut sac.

F*** you.

Message one.

Mr. Soke?

This is Andrew Kaplan again,|from the collection agency.

Message two.

This is Dolores Axelrod.

You ran into my car last week.

I called State Farm,

but they have no record|of any insurance policy for you.

In case you misplaced it,|my phone number is 4 --

Message three.

Willie, it's Marcus.|It's that time of year again.

Pack your sh*t.|Phoenix.

is frightful

is so delightful

to go

let it snow

of stopping

for popping

way down low

Let it snow, let it snow

Jesus Christ!

Can you maybe keep it together|for just 10 minutes?

Harrison, just let me explain,|please. Financially --

Well, you get what you paid for,|Chipeska.

Five Christmases I've been here.

You flip me for some stranger|who'll do it for peanuts

and who happens to work|with a real midget.

Nobody cares.|Nobody comes here for the elf.

Santa's the attraction.

I do Burl lves songs.

Does this schmo|even play guitar?

Look, Harrison, it's not about|the money or the midget.

Believe me, if it was, I --

I don't think they like|"midget."

I think you're supposed to|call them...

Oh, just forget it.

Hacks!

Hi.

Bob Chipeska.|Welcome.

Great photo and rsum,|by the way.

Thanks.

We've been at this|a long time and all.

We'd like to think we do|a good job.

I'm so glad you guys could|come in on such short notice.

I must say,|your look is just sensational.

Thanks.

We've been at this for years.|You got nothing to worry about.

You two are the best men|for this job, truly.

So don't let his unpleasantness|affect your performance.

-Oh, no. We're fine.|-Performance?

Yes. Uh, your performance.|You know, the, um...

Performance, like sexual?

-Excuse me?|-Willie.

Are you saying there's|something wrong with my gear?

Is that what you're saying?

-I'm sorry. Your gear?|-Willie.

My f*** stick.

Hey, Willie.|Take a seat.

You know how|your blood sugar is.

He's not going to say "f***|stick" in front of the children?

No, no, no.|It's a joke.

An adult joke for us adults.

It's a joke.|Just a joke.

"F*** stick"?

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Glenn Ficarra

Glenn Ficarra is an American writer, producer, actor and director. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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