Bad Santa

Synopsis: Willie T. Stokes is a convicted con man who's led a miserable life. He drinks heavily and constantly embarrasses himself publicly. He only works once a year dressed as Santa. But then come Christmas Eve, he and his pint-sized helper dwarf Marcus stage elaborate robberies and take their department stores for everything they got. This year, they hit a mall in suburban Phoenix, Arizona. This time around, Willie gets distracted by having sex with large women, a bartender who is attracted to Santas, and a kid who's convinced he's the real deal. However, this time around Marcus must once again put up with Willie's heavy drinking and a series of incidents that constantly shoot themselves in the foot. Not to mention a nosy department store security guard who's onto them and wants his cut of the loot. Will Willie and Marcus make it to next Christmas? Or will this be the year the dynamic duo finally face justice?
Genre: Comedy, Crime, Drama
Director(s): Terry Zwigoff
Production: Miramax Films
  Nominated for 1 Golden Globe. Another 1 win & 11 nominations.
 
IMDB:
7.1
Metacritic:
70
Rotten Tomatoes:
78%
R
Year:
2003
91 min
Website
48 Views

Hey, can I get another drink|down here?

I've been to prison once.

I've been married twice.

I was once drafted by|Lyndon Johnson and had to live

in shit-ass Mexico for two|and a half years for no reason.

I've had my eye socket|punched in, a kidney taken out,

and I got a bone chip in my|ankle that's never gonna heal.

I've seen some pretty shitty|situations in my life.

But nothing has ever sucked|more ass than this.

If I'd known I was gonna have to|put up with screaming brats

pissing on my lap for 30 days|out of the year,

I would have killed myself|a long time ago.

Come to think of it,|I still might.

Where I come from,|we didn't celebrate Christmas.

Not because we were Jewish,|but because my dad

was a worthless-coward fucking|asshole whose idea of a present

was a daily punch|to the back of the head.

He did teach me|how to crack a safe, though.

My dad never did shit with his|life, so he took it out on me.

You could say I'm no different.|I'd have to say you were right.

But at this point,|it's too late to start over.

Funny how things work out.

It's fucking hilarious.

There's Santa Claus.|Look there.

Wow.

Oh, my.|What a darling photo.

Are you certain you only want|the single?

Additional photos come in handy|as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa

or as a wonderful remembrance|for friends.

Gee.|You know what?

This one, I think it's more|than enough.

Thanks.|Merry Christmas.

So, what do you want,|little girl?

A drum set.

Oh, the old man will love that.

Okay. Fine.|See you later.

I saw you at another mall.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

You're not really Santa.

If you were Santa,|you could do magic.

You want to see some magic?

Here.|Let's watch you disappear.

Watch the bladder, kid.|Santa's got to pee.

-What do you want?|-A new bike.

Wow. That's a new one.|Excellent.

Attention, shoppers.

The store will be closing|in five minutes.

We hope tomorrow is|a pleasant Christmas.

Thank you for shopping with us.

-Is that it?|-Yeah, that's the last one.

Thank the fuck Christ.

Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.

You pissed yourself.

Aw, Jesus.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Hey, happy holidays.|All right.

Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Get home safe.

Yeah, okay.

I don't care what he says.

-We're going out for a beer.|-What the fuck?

I'll get right back to you.

What the hell's wrong with you?|I'm trying to fucking leave.

Pants are awful baggy.

You got anything in there?

Yeah. My dick.|You want to see it?

Keep pushing me.

I got my eyes on you.

All the time.

Ready.

Jesus.

-How's it going?|-I'm finished when I'm finished.

I'm going back upstairs.

I need a melon baller|and a loofah.

Got it.

Fuck the loofah.|Let's go.

Marcus, you get the loofah?

Drive.

Oh!

jingle bell rock

in jingle bell time

Oh, I'm dizzy.|Put me down.

Hey, put me down.

Come on!|Put me down.

Oh, come on.

Oh, man.

Hey, baby, two more of these,|all right?

No.|That's it for me.

You can't drink worth a shit,|you know that?

I weigh 92 pounds, you dick.

Come on. One more.|It's a celebration.

Here's to you.

To have the blues

My baby's gone

You're getting worse,|you know that?

Well, at least I got it open.

It took you long enough.

I remember when you could unlock|a lock like it was nothing.

Yeah, well, you don't have to|worry about me anymore.

I'm out.

Bullshit.

Bullshit, my ass.

We just made $111,000|in one night.

Exactly. I figure I got enough|to go to Miami.

And do what?

I don't know. Shit.|Get a car.

Get a place, maybe.

Maybe start a business.|A bar out on the beach.

Something like that.

I could quit drinking|and run the place.

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Glenn Ficarra

Glenn Ficarra is an American writer, producer, actor and director. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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"Bad Santa" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 26 Jun 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/bad_santa_3466>.

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