Bad Johnson Page #3

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for any of his myriad shortcommings.

I think she used a Thesaurus

on that last one.

- This is online?

- Douchebagassholecheaters.com

I don't understand how you can have

something so special, so great

and throw it away for one fleeting moment.

Doesn't make sense.

Rich would be making low six

figures right now if he didn't

bend me over the conference

table and have his way with me.

Don't get me wrong. I loved it.

But it ruined our office dynamic.

And I had to let him go.

Me and Rich used to be best friends.

Until I walked in on him f***ing my mom.

My parents divorced. I

lost sight of my goals.

Now I'm addicted to meth

and I work the three a.m.

Drive through shift at a

fast food restaurant.

In the ghetto.

Kimmy.

Ah. I wish my dick would just leave me alone.

[Screams] [Car Alarm Goes Off]

Josh. Call me. Something, something

terrible has happened man.

You know I don't even know

why I'm leaving a voicemail.

You never check it so all right.

Im, im gonna hang up and

then imma text you. Okay? All right.

Josh? Josh!

You have a collect call from

This is your dick. I'm in an alley downtown.

Do you accept the charges?

Do you accept the charges?

Do you. Accept the charges?

- Yes.

- Hello?

Is this Rich?

- Uh huh.

- Oh thank God.

Whew. I couldn't remember

your number for sh*t.

- I just got like twenty "No hablo ingls's" before you picked up.

- Uh huh.

Who is this?

It's me. Your penis.

Who is this for real?

It's your penis b*tch.

It's your cock, your dick

your pecker, your prick.

I don't beleive you.

Your dick goes missing. Someone calls you up

and tells you he's your dick.

And you don't beleive him?

- My dick is not missing.

- No sh*t.

He's in an alley on Surmack and State.

All right look. I'm just gonna,

I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?

Becky Wallace. All right look. I'm just

gonna, I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?

Becky Wallace.

What?

Becky Wallace. Your first hand job.

Big girl with hair on her nipples.

A bad case of Rosacea

Surprisingly good.

Knew how to work the tip, ignore the base.

All right. Who the f*** told you that?

Huh? Huh?

In seventh grade you jerked off so

hard you dislocated your shoulder.

You told your parents you hurt

it simulating Mortal Kombat

fatalities with your friends.

Want me to keep going?

You've had Chlamydia twice.

You spray me with Curb Club

before you go out for the night

And. When you're bored

You helicopter me around and make

my hole talk like a little mouth.

- All right that is enough. That's enough.

- Which is embarrasing.

Ok so just stop.

- I don't know what happened.

- Stop.

The last thing I remembered

is dangling between your legs

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