Bad Johnson

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1

AH:

OK:

Wow

- You like that baby? - Oh I love it.

Oh Yea?

Yea?

Oh Shit!

Not what it looks like babe.

You're fucking my sister?

[Sighs]

You piece of shit!

Baby. Baby!

Don't "Baby" me.

I thought you loved me.

I do.

AH!

Oh, my God.

Hi, Mrs. LeFebre.

What happened to your purity ring?

Oh!

I found it earlier.

Oh, dear God.

Look, Melissa, I am sorry.

I really am.

Oh, don't you touch her!

Okay. Okay.

I'm just going to grab

my things I'm gonna go.

Uh... [Bell Dings]

My underwear. My underwear?

Um, don't. I don't need it.

I mean, I feel horrible.

I genuinley, actually, liked her.

I mean we could talk, we could laugh,

We cuddle. I mean we even

hated the same people.

It's always nice when you

hate the same people.

Is't it though? It's just not fun when you feel

like you're being judged for judging someone else.

Me and Emily made fun of an

albino midget the other day.

It was wrong, but romantic.

I envy you guys.

Then stop fuckin' up a good thing.

This is the third relationship

you've ruined in the last year.

My DICK. The third relationship

my DICK has ruined.

You can't control your dick?

It's like babysitting a

nine year old with A.D.D.

I mean you try your best until

he just wears you down.

Then you just give him whatever the hell

he wants until his parents come home.

But. But! His parents never come home.

I can control mine.

Not to be a dick, but,

You're not presented with as many

"Ass Getting" opportunities as I am.

- Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?

You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you beat it to Indian porn

when Emily goes to bed. - Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?

You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you

beat it to Indian porn when Emily goes to bed.

- Ok don't act like you're above me.

- It's not fucking other people.

Ok. Hypothetical.

So, a HOT, green eyed Indian

girl walks up to you and

BEGS you to f*ck her.

And there was no chance that Emily

would find out. You would not do that?

No.

But you'd Want to right?

Isn't that just as bad?

No it's only bad if you follow through.

Whatever. Whatever.

I mean we're just a bunch of bees trying

to beat Biology. Boom. Case in point.

I will be back.

So.

What is your name sweetheart?

Carrie.

Carrie? Well I'm Rich.

I mean that's my name, although I'm

not struggling financially, so...

You don't remember me do you?

Uh..

Yes.

Of course I remember you. Yea, no,

we hooked up last September right?

And then you told me you loved me, and then your

Grandma died and then I deleted you from my phone.

[Group Clamor]

Oh my. Josh!

[Group Clamor]

Oh my. Josh!

Uh your testicles are in your stomach.

K [Clears Throat] All right. Is there

anything that you can prescribe?

Other than a cocktail of painkillers, no.

You should use plenty of ice,

substain from masturbation and

Elevate the scrotum as often as possible.

What about sex?

Oh I wouldn't reccomend it.

Well what would happen if I did?

Well I can't be sure.

Your insurance wouldn't pay for it. [Laughs]

But seriously, no sex for six weeks.

Pregnancy tests are right over here.

Was there a special one you wanted?

I don't know. Which ones the best?

Well We've got plus-minus,

we've got blue-red.

And we've got crying baby-smiling woman.

- Plus-minus.

- Excuse me?

Plus-minus. Ya know, it's the easiest one to

manipulate if you don't like the results.

Yea but that doesn't get rid of the baby.

Well it will until you start to show.

Plus-minus.

You know it's not for me. It's for my friend. She

was too emabarrased to come here herself, so.

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