Backyard Ashes Page #4

I'm warning the lot of ya.

Hi, Grace.

- Glad you could make it.

- Thanks, Lillee.

Sorry about Edward.

He's busy at work.

Ah, that's a pity. Never mind,

we'll catch up some other time.

(KIWI ACCENT)

Hey, Spock, you sh*t kicker,

how about you lift a finger

for once and get us a drink, eh?

Only if you say fish and chips.

- Piss off.

- Close enough.

(GROANS)

Jesus, you blokes never leave off.

Oh!

SPOCK:

Have you cleaned out the van?

Of course I did, Spooky.

That Mr Whippy van's

been spit-polished

to a mirror finish.

- She's spick and span, Spock.

- I'll take that as a yes.

Oh, hi, Kerri. How's it going?

- Pretty choice, bro.

- I know what you're after.

Here's the keys to the van.

Left some spare

iceblocks in the fridge.

Middle shelf. Don't tell Spock.

You'll need some scissors

to open them too, Kerri.

LILLEE:

Not the good scissors, Kerri!

- (SHOUTING)

- (LAUGHS)

What's the matter, Shep?

Didn't see that one coming?

Piss off, Spock.

If we'd wrapped it in wool

you'd have hit it.

You blokes won't be smiling

when I knock the skin

off this next one.

Jeez, we're scared, old timer.

Could someone get Merv's glasses?

In fact, use the ball

with the bell in it.

Piss off, Spock!

You've stacked on a bit of

weight in the winter months.

Because every time

I shagged your mum,

she threw me a biscuit.

- Mmm.

- Come on, do your worst.

(SHOUTING)

- That is bullshit!

- We'll go upstairs for you.

Piss off, you're out!

Did you get that on video, Pigeon?

Sorry, Merv. Busy.

That'd be right. Alright,

must be my bowl, then.

That's drinks, ladies.

MERV:
You do that every time

it's my turn to bowl.

Beer o'clock.

- A beer, Spooky?

- Um, not just yet, mate.

Hey, boys, when was

the last time you remember

that Spooky wasn't thirsty

at the esky at drinks?

- Yeah, good point, Douglas.

- What are you saying, Dougie?

I think he might have found

a lady friend.

I haven't seen that for a while!

Shh! Go easy on him.

- Cheers, mate.

- How you going, Warnie?

Good. I just... I was...

I put on a bet.

Oh, yeah. Let us know

if she's a winner.

What? Oh, alright.

(LILLEE LAUGHS)

MEN:
Whoa!

I'll get it.

Have you blokes ever heard

of hitting it along the ground?

(CHOIRBOYS "BOYS WILL BE BOYS")

- Did you find it, Dad?

- Yeah.

(MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC)

Hey, Pidge!

You can turn this one up a bit.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Doug? Doug!

Take it easy, it's getting late.

OK, love. Just having a bit of fun.

- Must be my bowl.

- MERV:
Two to come.

(SHOUTING)

(DISTANT MUSIC)

You two having a good time

in there?

They are an uneducated, unruly mob!

- GRACE:
What's that, love?

- Next door!

How often do I

have to put up with this?

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