Applesauce Page #3

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So, I was waiting in line

to go to the bathroom.

There's a girl standing there,

she's cute

and I start talking to her.

I start flirting.

Because I've had a few drinks

and got a lot of bravado.

I'm very charming, you know,

when I'm drunk.

So we're talking,

having a good time,

we're laughing.

This is all in the span

of a few minutes.

Then, out of the blue, this big

dude comes out of the bathroom

and he sees me

talking to this girl.

Obviously it's his girlfriend.

And he says, "what the f*** are

you doing talking to my girl?"

- It's his girlfriend?

- Apparently, it's his girlfriend.

What were you saying to her?

Nothing, I don't remember.

- People get jealous,

you know... College guys.

- I'm just flirting with her

like people do at parties.

It was a long time ago.

I was drunk and stoned.

I wasn't saying anything

crude or untoward.

He's throttling you

and then what?

- He's smacking you

around like a little b*tch.

- No, he's not slapping me

around like a little b*tch,

but he's pushing me

up against the wall

and he's screaming at me.

- He's actually assaulting me.

- Right.

- So, I don't take sh*t

like that from anybody.

I may be a small guy,

but if people f*** with me,

I'll f*** sh*t up

if I get provoked.

- Okay, just tell us the story.

- Anyway, Rambo.

So I just react

and I just shove the guy

as hard as I can

I wrestled in high school.

I'm a strong motherf***er.

I can get people

off balance, right.

So the guy's on the floor,

and he's writhing around

and he stands up and

he's really pissed off now,

- because I've humiliated him in front of all these people.

- Good, good.

- He deserved it, right?

- Yeah, he deserved it.

- I hate punks like that.

- I do too,

- but, at the same time, he stands

up and he's really pissed off now.

So I'm a little scared,

not because I'm a p*ssy,

but this is seriously

some f***ed up sh*t.

So, he starts coming after me

and he charges me

with his hands out like this

and my fight or flight

response takes hold.

So I just slam the

bathroom door and I run.

I just run like hell.

But the thing is, this

bathroom door is really heavy.

It's like one of these big

industrial bathroom doors,

so when it slams,

and I slam it shut,

it slams really hard.

It's like "wham!"

You know, really, really hard.

And I start running but then

i hear all this screaming

and yelling, like,

"oh my god!"

It's complete pandemonium.

And I look up and this frat

guy is back on me again

and he's like,

"look what you did to me!

Look what you did to me,

mother f***er!"

- And there's blood everywhere.

- Oh my god.

Again, I'm a little stone

and inebriated.

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