Angus Thongs And Perfect Snogging Page #4

Big fish little fish cardboard box

Big fish little fish cardboard box

Fill the trolley fill

Lindsay, stop it.

You don't have to come.

Oh, Robbie, stop.

I promise I won't get in the way.

Oh, no. I don't mind, honestly.

Come on.

Lindsay, stop messing about there.

All right? Or you'll just have to

sit in the back then.

Oh, Robbie.

Maybe they're just mates.

Don't be a plonker, El.

Mates don't hold hands.

I already feel fed up with boys,

and I haven't had anything

to do with them yet.

I don't know how

she got in there before you.

- I can never compete with Lindsay.

- Yes, you can.

You've got

much better qualities than her.

Yeah? Like what?

- Well, you're really funny.

- Yeah.

You were so hilarious

in that olive costume.

But, Jas, you said

boys don't rate girls for funniness.

Well, I just meant

that they rate other things more.

Oh, yeah. What do they rate then?

Skinny-Minnie blondie boobie girly girls

like Slaggy Lindsay?

Well, she does have that cover-girl look

that boys die for.

So, are you saying

I have to be more like her?

Thong alert!

I always knew she was from Vulgaria.

- Now that's what boys like.

- But they just go up your bum.

- Nah.

- Do you think you should try one?

No way. I'm not gonna injure myself

just because boys like it.

And Slaggy Lindsay should know

that all those ancient women

did not burn their bras and give women

the vote so she could wear a thong.

What a swiz!

- That is just diabolical.

- No, that is shocking.

Bet you Robbie doesn't know about that.

At least I sort of fill up my bra

when I wear one.

Even though it does bunch up

when I run for the bus.

So, she has false b*obs,

a massive bum and a blank personality.

You would score more

in all of those areas.

Defo.

But she's got Robbie

and I haven't even kissed a boy.

I can't.

You want to move up

on the maturity scale, right?

I'm not that desperate.

You have to step up to compete.

It's educational.

You'll gain skills

Lindsay can only dream of.

- Hi.

- Hi. Are you Peter Dyer?

The man, the myth, the legend.

- Your parents aren't here, are they?

- No.

My hours are between 4:30 and 5:30

before they get back from work.

Any musical requests?

The right tune creates the right vibe.

Coldplay?

Whatever. You choose.

Now, what kind of experience

do you have?

Oh, loads.

You have to be completely honest

so I can evaluate you accurately.

Okay, I guess I practise a lot

on the back of my hand.

On average a person will have

over 25,000 snogs in their lifetime.

So close your eyes,

relax, feel the magic.

We're going to do a standard one first.

Wow, you're a natural.

- Really?

- Not too firm or toothy.

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